The Way We Fell

F A I N T

I SMILED WE WERE UNDER THE SAME SKY AT LEAST...

♡♡♡

✨Adeline✨

The day my mom passed away I didn't cry. Even though I was and still am the most emotional person I know.

I just didn't cry.

I wanted to cry... trust me I wanted to sob and let every bit of mind numbing soul crushing emotion out.

I tried to force myself to cry everyday just try to force those tears to fall.

They never did.

Dad though...he cried a lot. He cried when mom was alive and thought we were sleeping. He cried the day she died and months after that. Soon the crying turned to a different emotion. One that led to my bruised body and face.

Anger.

My dad started drinking when my mom got sick. I never worried about his drinking while mom was alive. I just thought it was his way of coping.

Guess I was wrong.

Super wrong...

It was no longer just his coping method it became his way of life after moms death.

He started to notice how I never cried or moped around him. He noticed how I still tried to smile and make jokes.

He noticed how I still wanted him to be a father.

However he didn't take it like that he followed through with the notion that I was grateful mom was gone. He thought I was secretly happy.

His words...never mine.

Little did he know that me trying to be normal...smile and laugh and be the Adeline my mom always knew was just my way of coping.

  A couple months after that's when it started.

The Abuse...

I never referred to it like that ever. He would beat me all while repeating how I was unfeeling and that I was the reason she died.

I never thought it was weird. I just blocked the pain from ever showing. I stuffed it down so far into my heart never daring to let it out in front of anyone.

Only in the middle of the night when i've taken a beating from dear old dad...

That's when I learn to crave a mothers touch. That's when I miss her warm vanilla scent and her warm arms that would wrap around me and squeeze me so tight.

Thats when I feel like crying when I can feel myself on the verge of tears...

Tears that never fell.

I'm craving that feeling right about now.

Sitting in Elias's car I stared out the window as he sped past the blocks and blocks of houses. The pain was still there it had settled down though.

I kept my head leaned against the headrest as I fiddled with my fingers.

I never hated myself more in that moment. I wanted to defend myself. Say something back to her. She scolded me like I was a child and then she...pushed me.

She said disgusting vile things. All because of...the boy sitting next to me in the car. All because of him. She thought we were together.

I scoffed internally at the notion.

I could hardly even look at Elias out of pure embarrassment . I wanted to thank him for taking me out of there but I just couldn't allow myself to look at him or speak to him for that matter.