Sometimes I wish deep down in my bones
That you would die tomorrow
I would never say such a thing out loud
I believe that the power is watching
Your death may bring me peace
Peace that I'm still trying to find
Peace that I've lost everything fighting for
Maybe you're the key to my joy
To watch you bleed with a blade to your wrist
I think at first I'd feel sick to my head
But I know I wouldn't make a move to stop the drip
I think I'd watch you die until I was satisfied
Maybe I'd even pretend to save your life
Maybe send you a quick text begging you to live
I would know I was lying
And I would say only enough to make me feel better
Not enough for you to stay alive
Maybe I'd take a blade in my own hand
Drive it into your eyes to hear you scream
I've dreamt about you burning alive
We both know you'd be better off dead
I don't hate you
That's a seat saved for the worst of it
I put myself on a pedestal like I'm better than you
I'm not, but we both think I am
But oh to watch you suffer
Not so far from what I do now
There's more to pain than razor blades and bruises
Sometimes I found joy in hearing your tragic upbringing
I think I never really liked you from the start
There was really nothing about you that sparked joy
You made me uncomfortable, that's one thing for certain
You made me feel like I was not enough
I think genuinely at the end of the day
That there's a reason your departure from my life didn't phase me
Of course we both know it didn't phase me
I had nothing left to say when you left
I didn't care to say anything more
But I know you cared, even just a bit
One day it's I hate you, the next it's I'm sorry
Then the next is I hate you more
Then it's back to your screaming thoughts
I'm not the reason you hate yourself
Make yourself believe that you're just "pushing everyone away"
I'm not some soul placed to fit your every need
The world does not revolve around you
But of course
I would never say that out loud
