𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐎𝐌

69| S E S S A N T A-N O V E

ALESSANDRO'S POV

And that was the end.

I walked and walked, I marched and searched around the house to find him, to find the new and right leader.

The second my eyes landed on him, I saw through him, I saw the other future of him being a good leader, a good image and protection for our world, our land and men.

I smiled because no matter how painful it is, no matter how the ache in my heart only grows, I'm doing the right thing.

I may be fighting, I may be breaking but I'm doing it for the right thing, I'm doing it because no one else did, no one else told me or taught me, I had to teach myself, I had to build myself and grow. I spent years, years, years and here I am handing them down, forced to forget about them because they were never meant to exist.

I force a smile and push the thoughts away, I ignore the agony and open my mouth to speak, to let go of the past and future, to bury my own self.

I tell Marcello, I explain to him and he understands. He doesn't give me a hard time, he doesn't question my shaking figure and I'm thankful. He exchanges my smile and tells me I'm strong, I'm a good leader and always will be whether it was my place or not, he tells me he's proud of me because my father didn't, he tells me he loves me as my older brother and leaves me alone, alone to my mind, alone to my actions and blurry future.

I go back to my office and dismiss everyone, I don't accept any words or arguments. I need to get this over with now or never.

I need to end this now.

I need to end my current life, I need to end myself before it gets worse, before it gets out of hand even if it already did.

I prepare files and paper, I make a few calls and set everything up for tomorrow, for coronation day, for the new leader, for my older brother.

Older brother. I say it over and over, I repeat it off my tongue and I let it hit me, I let it crush me and touch me. I let it pain me, I let it hurt me because I have to let it, I have to understand it, I have to get used to it, I have to accept it because he's now my older brother, he has always been my older brother and I need to get that inside of my head whether I like it or not.

I don't hate Marcello, I don't think I ever will. What's the point, what's the point into hating your family
member you just discovered, you just found out you have after years wishing for one, after years wishing for a brother to stand by you.

I don't know if we will grow on one another, I don't know if we will be close or will I even be here to get to know him. I don't know where I will go, where I will live. I don't know anything, I don't know anything aside from the mafia and this life, I know nothing and I blame no one but myself.

Now is not the right time to think about myself, now is the time to put things in its right place, to make things the way they should have been before I was brought to this world.

I pack everything for tomorrow, files, contracts, my personal information and his. I stuff in the mafia's history and my fathers time of leadership. I make sure it's all secured and ready, ready to push me out of the way, to ruin me and take away all I have, all I spend years building and dying for but it's okay, they will be okay.

I sigh and zip the bag, but I won't be okay.

I shut out my thoughts, I leave the bag on my chair and close the lights. I take the door in my hand as I walk out of my office, as I walk out for the last time as a leader, the last time.

I walk silently in the hallways and make no sounds, the sun has set, no more light, no more bright sky to flicker our dark world. The sky is now deep and empty, a void space where things roam around us, where we will never know what it's like, what it's like up there and not down here.

I get myself into my bedroom, my last night of sleeping in this bedroom. My favorite bedroom, my favorite bed, my favorite place where I designed for my own liking, where I spent hours working here, stressing, and happy.

I march to the bed, I touch the sheets gently. Where Akila first sat so close to me, where Akila first made me lay here, drowning into thoughts, escaping from questions.

Where she first wrapped around my body, where she first laid on top of me, where she first fell asleep.

My heart breaks, breaks so badly I don't see the pieces, they're crushed, they're turning into dust, clear dust I'm too blinded to see, too broken to collect and save.

My body loses its balance, I lose my strength and fall on the mattress. I wish I could get rid of the feeling, I wish I could stop shaking inside out, I wish for so many things yet I want them to stay. I want the feelings, I want to know, I want to feel it burn me down, I want it to teach me, to make me remember, I want to remember.

My eyes get heavy, my sight fades away little by little. I lose myself again, I lose myself over and over, I lose myself numerous times, I lose myself endlessly.

My eyes finally shut, I see darkness, I see nothing and realize this will be my life, this will be my sight, this will be my world from now on. This is it and

THIS IS THE END.

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