The Broken Heart Beat [Ace Lucifer's Series Two Volume One]

Tenth Heart Beat

Not that she's testing the people around her. She doesn't need to do it anyway, but then, she's testing them in a way that if she can still stay with them despite of the past, despite of her fears. Despite of her hesitations. Honestly, it is herself that she's testing if she can...

She wanted to be honest for herself now.

She really wanted to stay.

She never wanted to leave in the first place. Kahit noon pa, kahit halos mamatay na siya sa sakit. Kahit sa sobrang dami ng nangyari sa kaniya bago siya tuluyang umapak sa loob ng eroplano, her heart belongs in this country, with the people that did their best to protect her. Even with the people that shattered her.

She never...ever...wanted to leave.

How can she leave when despite of the pain, they are the reason she's keep going? That despite of the hardships, and sacrifices that she has to give them, she remained positive.

She kept on looking forward that at the end of the day, everything would be worth it. Na kahit ilang beses siyang sumugod sa gyera para sa kanila, alam niyang sa pag-uwi niya, sa oras na matapos ang laban ay may mauuwian siya.

It will be worth it, and she has to keep going. She will be home soon.

Iyon ang nasa isip niya, not even aware of its consequences. Not even aware that in every battle she's willing to take risk, nauubos siya. Sa bawat laban, nawawalan siya.

And even she never wanted to leave, she has to. She has to want it in order to save herself. Oo, worth it ang mga tao sa paligid na umuubos sa kaniya. Oo, wala silang kasalanan. Oo... maghihintay sila, pero sa panahon na 'yon, hindi na tama. Hindi na sapat ang mga dahilan para manatili pa. Sobra na siyang pagod. She has to rest for a while.

She has to leave in order to save what was remained to her... a little. A very little that if she will lose it, she will completely lose herself.

Pero ngayon, tama rin. Gusto niya talagang...mag-stay. She was able to save what was remained of her, but her life when she left remained still. Siguro, naka-usad nang kaunti, pero iyon na iyon. Walang-wala sa pag-usad niya rito na kahit marami siyang paghihirap, at sakripisyo ay nakaka-usad siya.

She wanted to move. She wanted her heart to beat again.

Kahit sa ibang paraan.

Kahit sa ibang tao.

Even it is a broken heart beat, as long as it will.

She will... risk it.

She was able to be with them. With her friends. She was able to endure. She was able to smile genuinely. Her heart pulsed on its own rhythm. She met new people. She... was able to move, and she was able to avoid... without so much fear of getting caught.

And she wants it that way. She wanted to continue.

She doesn't want to be stucked in the past anymore. She wanted to live. She wanted to free herself, breath, and cross the bridge already. She wanted to cross the boundaries that she has always been scared to cross ever since she was hurt.

Hindi pa siya ubos...

May laban pa siya.

And she wanted to fight for herself now. She wanted to do it for her happiness. She's used to do things for other people because she feels like she's in debt with them, pero ngayon, sa tingin niya, sapat na ang kakaunting natira sa kaniya para mabayaran 'yon kahit paano.

She will continue paying those debts, but then, she will prioritize herself first...for the mean time. Sarili niya muna. Kasiyahan niya muna.

Ano kayang pakiramdam?