Fly Away

02 - you're the only one

My hands are shaking as I walk out of the office and close the door behind me.

I feel cold, wrapped up in ice and still alive although every bone in my body is shivering with fear, hate, resentment, sadness. 

Everything feels so sad.

My life feels so sad.

It still doesn't feel real that tomorrow I'm going to be taken away, owned, by someone else. Someone who I've heard is heartless. Dangerous. Ruthless.

I really should have expected this, because every moment of my life is full of cold glances and overlooked feelings and no love. No love at all. 

I can feel the loneliness as clear as day, running through me, taking control of me. It's the only thing that's been a constant throughout my life.

My father, God forbid he ever cared about how I felt, and this situation is a clear pointer to that. My mother, God know's where she is, dealing with whatever she deals with away from us. She only ever comes back for two days at a time, every other month, like she can't bear to live or stay near her family. Her goddamn family.

Everything is unfair.

If they didn't want me so badly, and were prepared to just give me away without a second thought, why did they have me? Anything is better than this feeling. Growing up by yourself, even your brothers don't have time for you, always out. Out, out, out.

I hate myself for being alive. For spending every single day within the 'comfort' of my home, my room, with Zeus, the only one who seems like he actually gives a shit, even if he's a dog. A 'stupid little rag' as my father calls him. 

The only thing that helps me escape from this emptiness is school. Studying, learning, watching, and although I had to be enrolled in a private school in case of 'risks', I allow myself to enjoy it as much as I can.

I get to have a change of scenery, meddle with people my own age, surround myself with people of the same interests as me.

But even then, I'm alone. In the library, in the canteen, in the classroom, in my head. It's like everywhere I go, everybody knows who I am and who my family are and I hate myself for being like this. Being alone.

I've tried to make friends in the past, talking like a normal person, conversing like all of the feelings inside me that pull me down deeper, every day, aren't there. 

It's no use. The girls seem to have their own friendship groups without me, never once glancing in my direction or sparing me a whisper. The boys are the same.

Sometimes I think that being bullied is better than being ignored completely. If you're bullied, people still know you, see you, acknowledge you. If you're ignored, it's like you're invisible. No one spares you a glance or a whisper or a laugh. It feels like everything is happening around you, everyone is living their life, but you're just still stuck in this same loop, this same cycle of misery and loneliness. 

The whole house is empty, as usual. The white walls, floors, ceilings are all glaring at me to leave. Stop interfering in their business, stop staring at them.

My room.

I open the door, closing my eyes at the warmth and colour in here. The walls are still white, but over the years I've taken an interest in drawing on them. I guess it's a game of sorts, where whenever I feel lonely or so deeply unsettlingly sad, I draw a cherry on the wall. No one ever comes in here anyway, and I'm presuming this room is going to be left like this when I leave, so I have no worries about leaving it all behind. Maybe I can do the same thing in my new home.