The Most Beautiful Moments In Lifeᵖᵗ¹ // OT7 BTS FF x OC

53. Home, sweet home

Sunday, 26th. April. 2015

Today is the day. I'm moving back home.

The memories I'd recovered last night had undoubtedly shaken my heart to its very core.

The peek of emotions that had been building since I left were spilling out. And I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be back with them. No. I needed to go back to them. That's where I belong.

For some time, I'd been avoiding or downplaying so much of their affections. But my heart just wouldn't let me any longer.

Perhaps, it wasn't them I feared. It was opening up my heart to their love. That was what scared me. Because if I did, and it all came crumbling down, it'd tear me apart.

Jin had told me many times to throw my doubts away and trust in them. Instead, I'd refused.. even fought with him about it.

Yoongi had incessantly been there for me, no matter the circumstances. The sheer timing of it being whenever I was on the brink of danger only had me believing it was fated.

Joon, my stupidity is overwhelming. I don't blame you for turning around and calling out my indecisiveness so bluntly. The disregard I've had for your feelings.. I'm ashamed.

All I can do is go over the turn of events in my head, replay them, and feel like an idiot.

Tae had been so intense lately, but was it only because it scared him to lose me again?

As much as I'd struggled to accept it, avoiding dealing with my feelings, it'd only led me to feel even worse.

Hoseok had been so distraught when I'd run away. I still remember him crying so vividly, it hurt my chest to imagine. I'd done that. It was because of me. He'd told me as much that night by the river. He told me whenever he felt sad, I was the one who soothed him. Yet, when he needed me, I wasn't there.

I resisted Jimin, too. And how that blew up in my face. All I'd done by avoiding dealing with my feelings was hurt him. Enough so that he resorted to flirting with some other girl to try to get my attention. He also told me time and time again, I need them as much as they need me.

I rubbed at my eyes with the back of my hand and huddled my bedsheets closer. Jungkookie. He was the one I'd done the most wrong by. My heart ached at the thought of it.

I was his first. I felt how much he cared for me. Everything he did was filled with the purity of his heart.

How could I have been so cruel?

How can I even live with myself?

How much had he hurt on account of my stupidity and reluctance to deal with reality?

This needed to be fixed. I needed to fix all of it. I needed to go back to them. That was the first step. It was overwhelming, not knowing where to go from there. But, screw it, I'll figure it out on the way. Somehow.

My heart belonged to them. And no matter how hard I tried, there was no stopping it.

The note Jin had written me floated back into my mind. And even more of the puzzle seemed to fit in place... the reaction I'd had to Joon ways back, could very well have been related to that. At the time I hadn't known, even now I couldn't remember being assaulted. But, an irk deep in my heart led me to believe it was the truth.

It scared me to remember such a thing happening, and for the first time, I thanked my memory loss and saw it as a twisted blessing. The times they'd said they wanted to protect me, not tell me things. If I was assaulted, I could now understand why. I'd been so short sighted this entire time.