Better Off Alone (Adopted by Brendon and Sarah Urie)

56. Callie

I hate it here. I want my mom. I want my dad. No one talks to me here. Mom was visiting but she had to leave and I feel so all alone. Alex is nice. At least when she can come in, she knows sign language and I have someone to talk with sometimes. But Alex can't spend all day in my room and I hate being out with everyone because I can't hear them and they look mean some of them.

I was lying on my bed when the doctor came in and started asking all about what happened. I told him the truth, like Mom said. I told him what happened. Why I was afraid, what happened before. What my birth dad used to make me do. And what the foster people did to me, too.

He asked if I felt safe with Mom and Dad  and I said yes. Then he asked why I had a knife under my pillow if I felt safe and I told him I had to protect myself because even if I feel safe, I can never know if someone is coming in to do the bad things again.

The doctor seemed nice, but I think he's trying to keep me here. Which means I can't go home. I just want to go home. I don't like New York anymore. I just want to go home to L.A.

I stayed curled up on my bed because Alex had her session and I was alone. Visiting hours were supposed to start soon, but I figured by now, Mom was tired of coming to see me up here. I doubted she'd come again today.

But I was wrong. She did! She came into my room and asked how I was. I shrugged. I was okay I guess. Then she said she had good news. There is no good news.

"Doctor said I can bring you home," Mom said.

I didn't believe her. She showed me the bag of clothes they took from me when they made me come here. Clothes - pyjamas. I grabbed the bag, ran into my bathroom and changed out of my hospital pyjamas and, smiling, because I was really happy, I went back to Mom and Kala. Mom said we were going to go see Dad first. She had her arm around me as we left the unit. But first I went to say goodbye to Alex. She was curled up on her bed.

"I get to go home," I said to her.

"Great," Alex said.

"You'll be going home soon," I said.

Alex shrugged.

"Maybe," she said.

"Thanks for being there for me," I said. "Thanks for talking to me."

"No problem, kid. Get going. Don't want to keep your mom waiting. And why spend any more time here?"

"Bye, Alex," I said.

"Bye, Callie."

I left her room feeling happy I was leaving but sad that Alex wasn't. She seemed sad today.

Mom gave me a hug when I got back to her and the three of us went into the elevator and went down to Dad's room.

Kala chatted with me the whole way down in the elevator.

As we got closer to Dad's room, I got nervous and scared. Mom asked what was wrong.

"What if Dad is mad at me?"

"He's not mad at you, sweetheart," Mom said.

I wasn't convinced but let Mom lead me into Dad's room. He was sitting up in bed a little and smiled when we came into the room.

"There's my girl!" He said with a huge grin on his face. I felt so horrible about what I did I started to cry.

I felt arms around me and saw Mom was hugging me. She led me over to Dad's bed. He tapped me on the shoulder and I buried my head into Mom more.

Mom kneeled down and looked me in the eyes.

"Dad is not mad at you," she said. "We are not mad at you."

I looked at Dad who also had tears in his eyes.

He also had his arms open. I ran to him and hugged him. Then, still crying, signed that I was sorry.

Dad was shaking and I looked at him and he was laughing. I frowned. Why was he laughing?

"Careful, Callie," Zack signed at me.

"My sweet girl. I'm so happy to see you," Dad said. He hugged me again.  When he let me go, I said I was sorry again.

"I know, baby," Dad said. "I know you didn't mean it. I'm going to be okay."

He kept his arms around me and wouldn't let me go. But it was okay because I felt good. I felt safe. I leaned up against Dad while Mom and Kala and Zack chatted. Dad spoke once in a while, too. I could feel the vibrations in his chest.

Feeling somewhat content, I fell asleep leaning on Dad. I hadn't been sleeping well.