Better Off Alone (Adopted by Brendon and Sarah Urie)

91. Brendon

Callie was mad. Sarah told me, when she woke up, that Callie was upset I'd missed her getting her first place medal at school, had missed dinner, again, and had broken promises of being home for dinner.

I told Sarah I'd pick Callie from school, take her for ice cream and explain to her how sorry I am and that I should have explained better just how busy I was going to be.

"You have a kid now, Brendon. She's great and pretty self sufficient, but I can't do everything alone. I need you. She needs you. She needs her dad. She feels left out, forgotten. Like you don't care about her anymore."

I frowned.

"Of course I care about Callie. She's my daughter. I love her."

"Brendon, you haven't been around for weeks. She already thinks you're leaving us and she's not convinced you meant tour.  You promised to be at her science fair - at least the award ceremony - and you missed it. You didn't make it home for dinner last night either. You keep promising her you're going to be home, and then you don't come. But you also don't tell her when you're not going to be home. She's just a child, Brendon."

Sarah was right. I wasn't being fair to Callie.

"Okay. You're right. I'll pick her up from school, take her for ice cream and talk with her. I'll try to explain it to her."

"Good luck," Sarah said. "I don't think you're going to get much out of her.  She's really upset."

"I'll talk to her," I said. "I'll try."

At 2:20, I was outside Callie's school ready for her to come out and to take her for ice cream. I smiled as I saw her come out of the building. She did not look happy.

"There's my girl!" I signed. She walked right past me, opened the back door and sat behind the driver's seat. She crossed her arms and looked away from me. I tried to talk to her but she wasn't having it.

I noticed she was starting to panic as we passed the turnoff for our neighborhood.

"Relax," I said. "We're going out for a treat, just you and I."

Callie calmed down, but I can't say she was happy about it. I hoped she would be.

I pulled into an ice cream shop near the beach. She refused to get out of the car. So, i went into the shop and bought us ice cream cones.

Callie wouldn't look at me.

"I got you ice cream," I said. She looked away.

I turned her head to me.

"Callie," I said. She pulled her head away from me and threw the ice cream on the ground. I wasn't impressed but I'd been warned she was upset.

I got in the car and headed home, eating my ice cream.

As soon as we pulled in, Callie was out of the car and in the house. I heard her bedroom door slam as I came in the house.

"So," Sarah said, looking pretty satisfied. "How did it go?"

I grumbled something incoherent.

"That well, huh?" She smirked.

"She wouldn't look at me, talk to me and when I bought her ice cream she refused to get out of the car and then threw the ice cream on the ground. I knew she was upset. I didn't realize she was that mad."

"I tried to tell you. Brendon, you have to remember, she's used to taking care of herself. You've made her feel like you don't need her, and I'm not saying that to be mean. It's a reality of her life and her upbringing. From what I can tell, she figures, since you don't need her, she doesn't need you. She's so convinced you're leaving that she's preparing to be on her own. Sort of. She's 'practicing' for when you aren't here anymore."

"That's sinister," I said.

"She's convinced you're leaving and we're getting divorced. I guess she's seen enough families break up or basically dump her off when they don't 'need' her anymore. One way or the other. Callie has abandonment issues, Bren. Her counsellor told you that. She feels abandoned by you and so she's distancing herself so it doesn't hurt so much when you leave. Or when we give her back. Because she's not that open or happy with me, either.

You have to remember, Brendon, she doesn't understand your life. She doesn't understand the music industry or the demands on your time."

"But the album is done. I'll be home now until we go on tour. I mean I might - I will have meetings until then, and press when it's announced, but I should be home more often than not."

"Again, I know that. She doesn't. She doesn't understand that. And you haven't explained it to her."

"She won't let me!" I exclaimed.

"Now she won't. You shouldn't have waited until now to try to explain it."

"But, she knew I was working on an album!"

"Brendon, she knew you were working. Most fathers work 9-5. You're not understanding that Callie doesn't understand your life."

I ran my hands through my hair. What was I going to do? How was I going to make this better? How was I going to get through to Callie? I had to explain to her why I'd been so busy. Why time was getting away from me.

But I didn't know if she would listen. Or if I could explain it in a way that she would understand.

"I fucked up, didn't I?" I asked Sarah, tears coming to my eyes with the realization that in that moment, my daughter hated me.

"You did. But you'll fix it. Callie will come around. The more you're home the more she'll realize it was just a busy time for you. And then you can explain about tour and how busy you'll be preparing for that."

I looked up the stairs as if I could see into Callie's bedroom. I couldn't, of course, but I was imagining my daughter, sitting alone in her room. Maybe doing homework. Maybe not.

But I knew she was upset. And it was my fault.