Sarge: Hurry up, ladies and son. This ain't no ice cream social.
Simmons: Ice cream social?
Blitz: Guys listen to him.
Sarge: Thank you son and stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone...want to guess...why I gathered you here...today?
Blitz: Cause we got something new?
Grif: Uh...is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge(sarcastic to Grif): You two are right, Cornel and Private. War's over. We won. Grif as it turns out you'll be the big hero, and we're going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons is IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
Blitz: I can tell you're being sarcastic to Grif not me so that means I'm the right one.
Sarge: God DAMN it, Private! but son you're right we did get a new delivery. And Grif shut your mouth, or else I'll have Simmons and Blitz slit your throat while you're asleep!
Simmons: Oh, I'd do it, too.
Blitz: Eh if I'm bored.
Sarge: I knew the both of you would, Simmons and Blitz. Good men. Couple of things today, ladies and son. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
Grif: Crap. We're getting a rookie.
Sarge: That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today we received the first shipment from Command.
*The Privates look at each other then turn to Sarge*
Sarge: Lopez. Bring up the vehicle.
*Lopez brings the vehicle to the Reds*
Simmons: Shotgun!
Grif: Shotgun!
Blitz: Call dibs on the gunner seat!
Grif: Fuck.
Sarge: May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has four-inch plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine-gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the 'Warthog.'
Simmons: Why 'Warthog' sir?
Blitz: Cause I'm pretty sure M12 LRV is a bullshit name.
Sarge: And it's hard to say in conversation, son.
Grif: No but why 'Warthog'? I mean it doesn't look like a pig.
Sarge: Say that again?
Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.
Blitz: Oh shit I was thinking the exact same thing.
Sarge: What in Sam Hill is a puma?
Simmons: Uh, you mean like the shoe company?
Grif: No, like a puma.
Blitz: Yeah it looks like a puma y'know a big ass cat.
Grif: Like a lion.
Sarge: ...You're makin' that up.
Blitz: We're tellin' you it's a real animal.
Grif: Yeah.
Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Simmons: Yes, sir!
Sarge: Look see these two tow hooks? *he goes to the Warthog and points at the tow hooks* They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: A walrus.
*Blitz couldn't hold in his laughter with that response*
Sarge: Co-Cornel stop laughing and Grif didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?
Meanwhile
*Church is well doing what he did in the last chapter*
Tucker: What is that thing?
Church: I don't know. It looks like, uh...looks like they got some kinda car down there. We better get back to base and report it.
Tucker: A car? How come they get a car?
Church: What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.
Tucker: You can't pick up chicks in a tank.
Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
Tucker: What kind of car is it?
Church: I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh... ...like a big cat of some kind.
Tucker: What, like a puma?
Church: Yeah man, there you go.
With the Reds
Sarge: So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?
Grif(dejected): No, sir. No more suggestions.
Sarge: Are you sure?
Blitz: How 'bout Bigfoot?
Grif: It's okay.
Sarge: Unicorn?
Grif: No, really. Uh, I'm cool.
Sarge: Sasquatch?
Simmons: Leprechaun?
Grif: Hey, they don't need any help, man.
Blitz: Phoenix?
Grif: *sighs* Christ.
Sarge: Hey, Simmons! What's that name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?
Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir.
Blitz: Oh Chupa-thingy!
Sarge: Yeah, how 'bout that? I and Blitz like it.
Blitz: It's got some kind of ring to it.
STAI LEGGENDO
Red vs Blue with one Helluva Visitor: Blood Gulch Chronicles
FanfictionBlitz was having the worst days of his life after that incident at Ozzie's, Blitz decided that he needed to get some air on Earth but it didn't look right Blitz decided to enter the portal but in doing so he accidentally trapped himself there. With...
