Church:[hiding]: My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?
Tucker:[hiding]: You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.
Church:{hiding]: Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?
Tucker:[hiding] Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.
Church:[hiding]: Well, yeah, but... Aw, man. I gotta give that one to you.
Blitz:[off screen] Just surrender!
Church:[hiding]: NEVER!
Meanwhile
Caboose: *enters tank*
???: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.
Caboose:[in Sheila oh God that sounds so wrong] Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.
Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?
Caboose:[inside Sheila, that sounds so wrong too]: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you!
Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank. Let's begin with some driving. *she drives off with Caboose inside her*
Caboose:[I'm not saying it anymore]: Okay.
Meanwhile
Grif: Simmons.
*Simmons still fires*
Blitz: Fuckin' SIMMONS!
Simmons: *exits the Warthog*
Grif: Man! That thing is loud!
Blitz: No shit.
Simmons:[temporarily can't hear] WHAT!?
*Caboose and Sheila pass by*
Blitz: Okay come on Grif plan?
Grif: Yeah, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get them out.
Simmons: *shouting* OKAY!
Blitz and Grif: Keep it down! JESUS!
Grif: Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.
Meanwhile
Sheila:[on a rock while Caboose tries to get them off it] Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, Let's move on to some of the safety features.
Caboose:[I won't say it anymore]: *trying to get both of them off the rock* No! No, wait, go back! *they finally get off the rock* Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?
Meanwhile
Grif: *sneaking on Blue Team* Blitz what do you want as a girlfriend?
Blitz: *sneaking on Blue Team* Well I'd like a badass half-robot girlfriend who has lots of badass skills and she fucks me good... And I'd like it if she always cared for me... No matter what happens and is also voiced by Kathleen Zuelch.
Grif: *sneaking on Blue Team* That was fourth-wall breaking and well good luck to you.
Meanwhile
*Church is looking at the Warthog which has stopped firing*
Church: *turns to Tucker* [whispering] Psst, hey! They stopped firing.
Tucker: Why are you whispering?
Church: [whispering] Um... I don't know.
Meanwhile
Grif: Aw, crap. I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.
Simmons: Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?
Grif: Well, I guess it was this or sit there and-
Blitz: GUYS!!!!
*Simmons and Grif turn to Blitz*
Grif: Yeah?
Blitz: Um... There's a tank.
Grif: Holy crap! What in God's name is that thing?
Blitz: Welp, *readies his gun* a brawl's surely brewing.
Meanwhile
Church: Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.
Tucker: No they're not. Look, they left the jeep. They're gone.
Church: Well... I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... Alright, screw it. Let's go get it.
Meanwhile
Grif: Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us.
Simmons: Hey where's Blitz?
Blitz: [off-screen] Over here! *pulls out his assault rifle and starts shooting Shiela*
To Be Continued
YOU ARE READING
Red vs Blue with one Helluva Visitor: Blood Gulch Chronicles
FanfictionBlitz was having the worst days of his life after that incident at Ozzie's, Blitz decided that he needed to get some air on Earth but it didn't look right Blitz decided to enter the portal but in doing so he accidentally trapped himself there. With...
