Just the typical sad marvel thing /Peter

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Peter's pov:
I wake up to a bang from downstairs. I open my eyes and see the mess in my room. The clothes on the ground and the bloody bandage. As I look at the bandage, last night flashes in front of my eyes, the pain, and the nails in my arm. For some reason, I'm scared of looking at my arm right now. I think I'm gonna feel guilty about it because Bucky took my things and I still managed to hurt myself. I don't look at my arm yet, I just look around the room and the bed. I notice the dried blood drops on the bed. Shit, shit, shit. I have to clean this somehow. I stand up and go to my bathroom and search for some soap. Then I scrub my bed with it until the spots kinda disappear. After I was ready to see my arm, I looked at it, just with the sleeves on. It socked up the blood and dried there. So it will be painful to roll my sleeves up but I have to change the sweater anyways. I painfully, kinda rip the fabric out of my cuts and take the sweater off. Then I look at my arm. It has a ton of dried blood on it and it also started bleeding again from ripping them open. The cuts are deep and they look ugly. They didn't even heal anything last night while I was sleeping. It usually heals a little because of my super healing but maybe my body was too tired today. I wash them off with some cold water and then put another hoodie on. As I change my sweater I feel the fabric touch my scars. I suddenly hiss at the pain. I also put on some makeup to cover the cuts and bruises from yesterday's fight with Matthew and walk out of my room.

I go down to the others so they at least know that I'm awake. I don't want to eat but they are probably all eating so I have to eat too. One thing I hope is that Bucky's down, cause if something happens or if they ask something that I can't answer, then he's there to help me. As I go down I see almost everyone there. They're looking at me and all the talking quiets down. Almost everyone is there, except Bucky. No. No, I don't want this without him. I panic from inside but sit down with the others at the table. They're all staring at me. I just try to ignore them and say good morning. "Morning guys," I say with a sore throat from yesterday. "Hi kid," Tony says, to break the silence and awkwardness. I don't get any food for myself, I don't even want anything. The breakfast is sausages and eggs, even the smell of it makes me so sick. I sit down and stare in front of myself. I feel so uncomfortable right now. They're all staring. Why. A couple of seconds later as no one says anything, I stand up and take my turn back to my room, without eating. But Steve speaks up as soon as I reach the kitchen door "Don't you wanna eat something kid?" I hesitate but I decide not to make it even more uncomfortable for everyone and say "Yea right." And I turn back and get some food, without looking up at anyone. I sit at the table again and start eating.

A few minutes later, Bucky arrives from a walk I suppose and as he sees me and the others, I see on his face that something clicks in his mind and he comes to me as soon. I wonder what he thought about that made him react like that. "You okay?" He asks while messing with my hair as he stands above me. "Mhm," I say. He sits on the other side of the table, in front of me. I mess with my food a little and then, after I have eaten half of it, I excuse myself to the bathroom. I feel so sick already, I need to throw up now. I click the lock on the bathroom door and open up the toilet. I already feel nauseous but that's not enough to make me throw up so I have to use my fingers and make myself gag. I throw up everything then go to my room while passing the kitchen, so I know they see me.

I lock my door and lay on my bed. I'm about to drift into my thoughts when someone knocks. "Who is it?" I say, not wanting to open the door and decide that if it's not Bucky I'll not let them in. "Can I come in?" I hear Tony's voice. "It's locked," I say but I don't open it. I stay in bed. "Well then, can you open it?" "Could we talk later?" I hear a sigh coming from him and footsteps as he goes away from my door. I know it wasn't the nicest thing to do and I just know I'll be thinking about it all day now, but I'm feeling so exhausted and stressed, I don't want to talk to or annoy anybody. I get back to my thoughts again, getting lost in them. I feel numb this time, not sad but not happy either. I don't care about anything, I just wanna be alone for the whole day and isolate myself from everyone. I want to cry but I can't, I want to feel something. I think this gets me closer to hurting myself. I just want to feel something, even if it's self-harm. I decide to give in and go to my bathroom but when I'm about to open my cabinet, I realize I still don't have my blades. I need to get them back. I have an idea. I look at my clock, it's 1:07 pm. Usually, the team has a training session at 1:30 so I just have to wait for a little.