You don't have a clue [Ziall fanfic]

Chapter 24- Day 2

Day 2

"Here you go, Ni." Demi wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and I scooted down on the couch so she could sit down. I curled into a ball and laid my head on her lap. Demi brought my mountain of work from school but I wouldn't dare touch it, no matter how much I denied it and called him an asshole and told myself it was going to happen, I wanted Zayn. I fell victim to his gentle touch, his lips and the way his eyes sparkled when he looked at me. Maybe I didn't give him enough reasons for him to stay and believe me.. maybe I'm just a pathetic piece of shit that doesn't deserve love. It's just sad how people get when you give your all to someone and just let them crash all your walls, leaving you bare and vulnerable to just cut you open and take whats left of your heart.

I used to make fun of people like that, who acted ridiculous just because some asshole they shouldn't have even dated in the first place just "broke their heart", but now I know how it feels.. and I wouldn't wish this feeling upon anyone.

I closed my eyes when Demi started to run her slim fingers through my hair. "You can go if you want to Dem, I feel like such a burden."

"Shh, Nialler. You're not a burden, I was on my way to see you and keep you company in the first place so I don't mind looking after you while your Moms at works." She leaned down and kissed my temple.

I feel so pathetic, I should be the one looking after Demi when she's upset and doing these things to herself, I'm supposed to be the man that "Sucks it up" and moves on but I can't seem to move on. Especially with the nightmares that plagues my mind everytime I close my eyes. It's frustrating and I just want it all to end. I want myself to end, but do I have the guts to do such a thing? To end my life.. but then he would be the one to win, I can't let him win when It wasn't even my fucking fault and I shouldn't feel like it is. But there must be a way to numb myself and my thoughts, something ...anything.

"Hey, Demi. I'm going to go take a shower." I mumbled as I stood up and heard her say something about making dinner. My legs seemed heavy as I walked into the bathroom and I closed the door before sliding down against it. I took the razor out of my pocket and began to play with it with my thumb and forefinger as I thought over my actions. Images flashed through my head as I pressed it's sharp edges against the skin of my wrist, tears brimming my eyes.

"H-how could you?"

"I thought you were different!"

"I fucking come to terms that I was in love with you and now this fucking happens. How could I be so stupid?!"

My face is red and blotchy from the tears running down my cheeks and I feel like the breath is stuck in my lungs as I throw the razor across the tile floor, I can't fucking do it.

I crawl to the bathtub and make sure the water is scorching hot. I'm sniffling and constantly rubbing my nose and tears with my sleeve before I take off each article of clothing with as much energy as I can muster. I slid in the tub and just lay there with a hiss, It feels like the water is shedding my skin. It's almost enough to mark my skin red and the pain makes me forget things for a while. I lay there with my blank expression staring at the ceiling before closing my eyes and slowly pushing my head so the hot water is enveloping my entire body. My hands are on the side of the tub to keep me from resurfacing and I open my eyes to see my blurry surroundings. I don't know how long i'm in there but my body is fighting against to come up for air but my hands are not moving, what makes me move though is where a dark figure peeks over the tub and his brown eyes are what forces me to take a deep breath of water and force me upwards.

I keep my eyes closed as I gasp when I come up for air. I start coughing and my eyes are watering from breathing in the water and I feel a warm hand on my back patting it occasionally before traveling up and down my spine. I take a shaky breath and lower my hand to my side, refusing to open my eyes incase it was my imagination.