Cigarettes and Daydreams (Erudite Series #1)

Kapitulo 18

I didn't say anything after Chance spoke. Alam kong walang salita ang makapagpapagaan sa loob niya ngayon. Kailangan niya lang ng yapos. Kailangan niya lang ng tenga ko ngayon. Kailangan niya lang ng pag-unawa. Walang iba. Walang salita. Walang advice o sermon.

Ilang minuto siyang nakayakap hanggang sa mangalay at bitawan ako. His droopy eyes looked unhealthy. Kitang-kita ko 'yung effects ng pagpupuyat.

It was ironic, he was studying to take care of other people—yet, he couldn't take a rest to take care of his own body.

"Are you disappointed?" was the first words he muttered. "Hindi," walang ibang emosyon sa mukha kong makikita. I didn't want him to think I answered 'no' dahil lang gusto ko siya.

Hindi nakaka-disappoint ang pagbagsak sa academics, para sa akin. Mahirap naman kasi talagang mag-aral. Tapos, nakaaapekto pa 'yung personal circumstance mo sa overall performance mo sa school. Hindi 'yon pinapansin ng karamihan, pero ako, alam ko 'yon. Kapag bothered ang isang tao, na-ma-manifest 'yung stress niya sa galaw niya. Pero hindi mo mapapansin kung hindi mo lubos na kilala ang isang tao o kung masyadong sarado ang isipan mo.

"Bakit ako madidismaya dahil nahirapan ka sa isang bagay na hindi mo naman gusto?"

It almost felt like it was natural to fail for many when it comes to the things they didn't really want to study.

When your passion is missing for the things you were doing, you were bound to feel emptiness or face failure.

But that didn't make anyone less worthy.

Chance was still amazing in my eyes.

"Sinubukan mo, tatlong taon kang nagtiis. It will never be disappointing for me to know that you failed a subject, Chance. It just showed me how much you've done to please your family. You've reached your breaking point. It's... noble."

He sighed and looked elsewhere. Nung naging mapula ang mga mata niya, inilagay ko ang mga kamay ko sa likod niya at nilapit ang katawan. He didn't hug me back, he just cried.

"You can't think that you're a disappointment when you sacrificed your dream to make your family proud."

Hinaplos ko ang likod niya paulit-ulit.

"Pero nauunawaan ko kung iyan ang nararamdaman mo ngayon. It feels like everything was a waste. The three years seem like nothing now. But trust me, they weren't. I wasn't with you during that time, but I'm with you now. And I can attest to your determination to finish med school despite it being difficult."

Pagbitaw ko, pinunasin niya ang mga luha niya. Pumunta siya ng kitchen area at kumuha ng baso at tubig. He drank while I examined his place. May isang shelf of books na nasa likod ng sopa. Ang TV niya ay naka-hang sa dingding at maraming albums sa table sa baba nung TV.

"Do you want water?" nilingon ko si Chance at inilingan.

He walked towards me and stopped before me. Sighing, he took my bag from the floor and put it back on my shoulder. Walang imik siyang gumalaw.

"I'm going to tell my parents tomorrow,"

Kita ko ang hirap at kaba sa mukha niya. Kung ano man ang mangyari, kung piliin niya mang tigilan na ang med school o kung ipagpatuloy niya, ipapanalangin ko na maunawaan ng magulang at mga kamag-anak niya ang desisyon niya. Buhay niya naman 'to, he had a right to stop studying, especially since hindi niya naman pala pangarap ang maging doktor.

"I feel like I'll break their hearts tomorrow."

"Imbis na 'yan ang isipin mo, tignan mo na lang ang pag-amin mo bukas bilang isang paglalarawan ng kalakasan at katapatan."