Cigarettes and Daydreams (Erudite Series #1)

Kapitulo 21

Halos bente minutos yatang nakakapit sa akin si Chance. Nung lumakas ang ulan, umupo kami. Medyo tumahan na siya, pero ngayon nama'y naghahabol siya ng hininga.

Gustuhin ko mang sabihin na dapat umuwi na siya para makapagpahinga, nauunawaan ko ang dahilan ng pagpunta niya. He wanted to let this out. He wanted to let me know he was in pain. And that was enough for me to not scold him for coming so late, for coming here instead of sleeping or resting at his condo where he'd be comfortable.

"I'm sorry... I came... here at this hour..."

Umiling ako at nagsalita. "Huwag kang mag-sorry, gusto mo ng taong makikinig at... masaya akong ako ang ginusto mong sabihan ng nararamdaman mo."

He wiped his wet cheeks and stoop up before sitting beside me. "Ilang linggo na lang, but I just now felt so... caged. It felt like I was a tool. A tool used to bring a smile to my parent's faces. If I couldn't do what I was expected to do, they'd discard me."

"Don't you think you're underestimating their love for you?" he blinked a couple of times before speaking again.

"I don't know. What I know is that... I want to be braver than this. I want to be more courageous. But I can't. Why does love always have to be stronger than any other emotion?"

Napangiti ako sa kanyang sinabi. "Bakit nga ba?" rhetorically, I asked. "I love them more than I love myself."

I never knew why it was so easy for people to sacrifice for their loved ones, why I never second-thought my choices when it comes to the wellbeing of my mother and siblings. Hearing Chance now, I realized it was because love was unconditional when it was earnest and pure.

Siguro katangahan ang magmahal ng sobra sa paningin iba. Pero may mga tao talagang tulad namin ni Chance na hindi mapapakali kung hindi maayos ang estado ng mahal namin, talagang gagawa kami ng paraan para mapasaya 'yung minamahal namin. Mangingibabaw rin lagi 'yung pagmamahal namin kung galit o inis kami sa minamahal dahil hindi kami makatitiis na hindi maayos ang relasyon namin at ng minamahal.

"What do you want to do now?" he looked at the dark sky and glanced at me. "I just want to finish this quickly. Then, I want to rest, kahit... saglit lang..."

Bumili ako ng malamig na tubig mula sa sari-sari store at sinabing bukas ko na babayaran. Pinainom ko muna si Chance bago siya nagpatuloy sa pagsasalita. Tila kasi naubusan siya ng tubig sa sistema sa hagulgol niya kanina.

I knew where Chance was coming from all too well. I also couldn't abandon my family for my personal desires. But his situation felt, for some reason, more constrained than mine—and that made my heart ache more for him. He was going to be a doctor without his passion for healing. He was going to cure some diseases half-heartedly. It would be painful for the patient, but it would also crush him. But he was still going to do it.

Paninindigan niya ang isang bagay na nagpapaluha sa kanya.

At siguro'y umaasa siya sa kinabukasan. Balang araw, matanggap namin pareho ng buong puso ito, ang buhay na hindi namin pinili para sa mga sarili. Isang araw, masasapawan na ang aming walang hanggang paghiling sa buhay na gusto namin para harapin ang buhay na mayroon kami.

My remaining days were filled with Chance. Mas dumalas ang pagdalaw niya dahil gusto niya raw makita ako kada after hospital duty. Nakonsensya ako dahil sa gas na nauubos niya. Kaya naman tuwing umaga ang tapos ng duty niya, inaabangan ko na lang siya sa school at sasamahang kumain ng agahan o tanghalian.

Nung nag-May na, hindi na ako dumadayo sa mga Luy dahil summer na ni Wesley. Ang trabaho na kapalit no'n ay ang pagluluto sa isang Burger Machine na van. Tuwing weekend ay nandoon ako. Si Alarick ang nakahanap ng trabaho na 'to para sa 'kin, ang kaklase niya raw kasi ay dating nagtratrabaho roon. Ako ang pumalit.