SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND
CHAPTER 21
NOZIMANGA
I have been staying with Jele for about a week now. The most painful thing was him sacrificing his happiness to make me happy. A man who cancelled his trip, dream job with more money and requested a certain time to think things through. Now, it would have been very selfish of me to even think about fixing my broken marriage. Do I still love my husband? Yes, I still do but there is no way in hell I will ever be with him even in the next life. That man has humiliated me enough and made me a laughingstock. My peers have their own things not just have but they own, and I am here owning a marriage certificate that is about to be burnt in ashes. Simphiwe loved me yes, but not as much as Jele. When I am with him everything changes, maybe my nerves get the best of me, and I can’t say what you truly feel. But what I know whatever connection I feel for him is real after so many years. Looking into his eyes, I lose your courage, but still want him to know how much I care. I just fail to express myself wordy. But they say actions speak louder than words. As for my fearful husband. He treated me like an option, so I felt like a choice to him. It’s sad, something is coming to an end because of him. It cracks me open, in a way—cracks me open to feeling. When I try to avoid the pain, it creates greater pain. I once heard, ‘Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you,’ that is why I am deciding to move on and forget about my past life. I want to create new memories, travel the world and be me not the wife that wanted to fit forcefully. It’s true when they say nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people.
“How are you holding up?” he asks, settling beside me. He holds my hand and kisses the back of it. I smiled and turned to face him. What would I have been if it was not for this man who has been there, but I never noticed him. I take a deep breath trying not to be emotional. I am about to throw my life that I have known for a very long time.
“Everything hurts – the fact it's time to let my whole past life down the drain. I am exhausted that I stayed too long - I am mad at myself that I did not love myself enough to know when to let go. I held on hoping for a miracle, nothing changed. Instead of changing it got worse.” What I love about Jele is that he listens to my ranting without interruptions. He lets me speak my mind and heart.
“Whatever you decide I will accept. My heart is ready for anything.” he says with a pained broken voice. How will I not sacrifice to make him happy when he put his life on hold for me. I pulled the brown envelope underneath the pillow and gave it to him.
“What is this?” he asks opening.
“Something that will be the start of my healing process.” I say. I look at his face as he reads through and takes a deep breath shoving the papers back in.
“Wow, I don't know what to say. Are you ready to finally let go?” He asks.
“I've been ready for a long time, but I was just in denial. I don’t want anything from him. I will be starting my life over from scratch.”
“I am very delighted to hear that.”
“Fihliwe is awake.” I giggle. This one just likes staying in-between my legs for no reason. He absconded form work for a quickie and now he is glued on me. He groans and stands up. He comes back with her in his arms. Days ago, before the burial, we decided to take the baby to her grandmother's house, but the grandmother wanted nothing to do with babyFihliwe. She told Jele to give the baby up for adoption – she is not about to raise a sin, imfebo yabantu. How does one grandmother wish death upon their granddaughter? We then went to the police station, and we were told there is a process that needs to be followed. We can't just rock and declare a missing child case to be opened. Fihliwe is missing because no one knows where she is. Jele got fed up because we were being tossed and turned around like puppets. He made an affidavit and confirmed that he would keep her until the father was fit to take his daughter. That was the best option he could have possibly had. I hated Fihliwe at first but now I am singing another different tune. I miss Zuri so much that it hurts. I miss how she just stares at me when I'm asleep and smiles for no reason, I miss her touch – how she wakes me up when I'm asleep. Her smell.
“Why are you crying?” I didn't even notice that my eyes were dropping tears.
“I just miss Zuri.” I spit honestly. I will try getting hold of Victoria Falls. Maybe sneak her out and just let me spend time with her.
“Can I see her?”
“Who? The baby?”
“Yes,” hoping for a yes.
“Yes, you can.” I stand up and jump into his arms forgetting that he is carrying the baby on the other hand. “You are going to make me drop this baby.” He laughs and lets go of me.
“I am so lucky to have you.”
“Mxm, gold digger.” He laughs a bit and walks out of the room.
__
__
__
