SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND
CHAPTER 30
NOZIMANGA
I slowly open my eyes and found Jele looking at me with an overwrought look on his face. Must be that fiend again. I wish I could get to share how I feel and what I feel. I feel I can and want to express my fears, but my voice just fails me whenever I try to. I am just languid and spiritless. The fact that I am okay and alive - I don’t know. Maybe I had died, it would have been a better option for me.
“You good?” I hate the fact that I keep worrying him with my nightmares. I struggle sleeping at night, every time I close my eyes. I see him, the way he drugged me and found myself in an unfamiliar environment with an unknown man, a man I've never met. Why was I taken in the first place? I want to avoid certain places and situations – to even think I will feel trapped and not be able to get help. I feel like I will be taken away without my knowledge and be locked up in a place I don’t know. Feeling scared all the time is not good for my health. A shortness of breath...
“Babe, breathe please. Don’t let the devil overpower you.” he says rubbing my back. Whenever I think of the situation I was in – it just feels like I'm being thrown into a deep dark end that has no ending. Finally, my breath is back to normal and my calm self.
“I am afraid.” I say clinging on to his chest. He snuggles himself next to me and inhales sharply. The exhausted inhale. He must be tired of me.
“Afraid of what?” He looks down on me more like he is trying to read my mind.
“Of the world.” I respond. We have never held such a long conversation. My breath runs out before I could even try saying something, resulting in me just being mute.
“You are not afraid of the world. You are afraid of the feelings the world gives you. The fear is covering for that. Get some therapy.” He suggests looking at me helplessly. The look in his eyes - I don’t know what language they speak – but they show lacking protection or support: defenseless as helpless as a flock of shepherdess sheep. That is not true at all. He is everything and even more of what I have ever prayed for.
“You mean a lot to me, and I want you to know it. I care about you and want nothing but your best.” I say making him chuck. His smiles are the best. They just brighten the mood.
“Okay...” that puckered brow. I know he wants to say something. “People normally give speeches that they mean when they are about to die sisi.” he tells me. So, does me telling him how much I care about him mean I am about to die?
“Unbelievable.” I say. That smile again. His eyes always sparkle whenever they smile. “If cartoon bluebirds were real, a couple of them would be sitting on your shoulders singing right now.”
“Why?” He looks addled.
“Your smile is contagious. No wonder Zuri was so captured and drawn towards you. You have that smile that just lights up the room.” I tell him. I once heard that men don’t blush – but look at my man blushing! My father once told me that If I get to notice a man blushing whenever I talk to him, it is a strong indication he fancies me. I can feel his heart rate increasing whenever I make compliments, his blood pressure rises, he is sweating.
“Woah. I need to drink water.” He untangles himself away from me and gets off the bed. He is so turned on. I want to laugh so bad, but my chest is hurting. I feel drowsy and sleepy. This medication just takes the energy off me.
SIMPHIWE
It's difficult when a person that you care so deeply for can make you feel so low. I miss her, it hurts. Staring at her pictures on this wall makes things even harder for me. Removing them off will be like removing the memories we shared and once had. In public I smile and laugh pretending to be strong but, on the inside, I am dying slowly. I have found comfort in her diary. I get to express the feeling of me and the hurt I get to face every day. It's hard to let go and I am not willing to let go. When the time is right – God will bring her back to me. I don’t want to fight her, fighting her will be me pushing her back into his arms too deep. I am just hoping that this is a fling that will vanish in no time. I lost her and I miss her. I remember my sister telling me that - Just wait until that first splash of joy vanishes, because you will be left with the feeling like something is missing. And indeed, I am dying. I look at her diary, I take a deep breath and begin to write...
