SIMPHIWE SHANDU THE HUSBAND
CHAPTER 24
NOZIMANGA
I woke up with a short text from Simphiwe requesting to see me. I agreed to it because I don’t know what's it about. Maybe... I don’t want to think about it. He just has to accept that we are both done and there is no moving on from this trauma that we are dealing with. If we try to fix it, we will hurt ourselves in the process. I want to heal and forget about everything. Yesterday, I thought that he was about to die or rather dead when he just fell right Infront of my eyes. Luckily, he got help sooner and I left him in a better state. My conscious didn’t let me to just leave without confirming if he is okay or not. I didn’t even get a chance to tell him that the baby was not his. And I don’t know whether it’s still the best option after what happened yesterday.
“Will see you in a few.” Jele says kissing my cheek. I know when he means in a few. He is talking about himself dodging work to spend time with the kids. I smile and shake my head in disbelief. I hand him his lunch box and watch him as he leaves. He knows very well that when he gets back from work there won't be anyone in this house. It would be just be me and him throughout until we get to hold of our own very own little Jele. I need to clean up here and have a bath. I thank Jele for bathing the kids before he left.
Now what's left is for me to go see Simphiwe in his house. I didn’t want to be in a public place. Jele might get the wrong information – people talk. They don’t know we are together but news travels fast like wind. I park in the drive way and step out of the car. He comes out running with a huge grin on his face. My heart drops. I once loved this man through thick and thin but now I feel nothing for him. Yes, the love is still there but not the love of loving him again.
“Babe.” He suffocates me with a hug – it takes time for me to respond and for my body to relax but eventually I hugged him back.
“Hei,” I greet pulling back from his tight embrace. I open the door and help Zuri out. I pick Fihliwe up...
“Let me carry her.” he takes Fihliwe off my hands and leads the way to the house. The house is still the same, nothing has changed. Our wedding pictures are still pasted on the wall. We were once inseparable. I smile a bit remembering the good old days. I shift my eyes back to him and I find him also staring at the picture. I clear my throat...
“How have you been?” I ask.
“Hanging in there.” He shrugs his shoulders, taking a deep breath sitting down on the couch.
“So, are you going to cope with two kids, alone?”
“I will hire a nanny. Hope this one will not lay and charges against me.” By the look of thing sit was meant to be a joke. He looks somehow lost for some reason. But I don’t want to pull the soft heart at him.
“Have you eaten?” I ask. He shakes his head no. I know my way around this kitchen. I will have something quick for him. Zuri has her own cereals. Phuthu with beef stew will do. I know how it hits home for him.
“About the divorce, where you serious?” His voice is shallow like it needs to be lifted from within. I don’t turn to face him because I know what will happen next. He comes and stands behind me and holds my waist. “I still need you too Nozi. I know I have fucked up but I need you more than anything. I know I have made mistakes that have hurt you beyond but I want you.” his warm air is hitting the back of my neck. Good thing I am done with cooking. I dropped the dishwasher cloth in the sink and stepped away from him. He comes close and stands inches away from me. He smells stress. How do I know? I know this man more than he knows himself.
“I miss you.” He brushes his forehead against mines making me inhale sharply. “I know you slept with a man and I don’t care. All I want is you.” He whispers making me blink rapidly in tears.
“Simphiwe...” my voice is low. I can't let emotions control me. I am in charge of my body.
”Ya mama.” his lips brushing against mine. The picture of Jele flashes through making me push him back. He trusts me around him. He trusts me not to let what we had with this man break what we have with Jele.
“I am pregnant.” I say not looking at him.
“More reasons for us to be a family and move on from the past.” He pulls me closer. I step back and shake my head no. This is not what I came here for today. I came here to close this chapter of my marriage and be with the one that makes me happy.
“You are not the father.” my voice rises making him to freeze from the spot. He looks at me but I fail to keep my gaze on him.
“Wh... what did you say?”
“I said you are not the father.” I repeat and time around I look directly in his eyes. I see hurt and shutterless but I put the braveness' on. I can't be consoling the man that broke me to the worst. The man that made my life leaving hell in our marriage.
“Who is the father?” he asks clinging onto the kitchen counter.
“Him.”
“Who is he!” He bangs the table making me to be startled a bit. I jump and step further away from him. “Nozimanga, I asked you a question dear wife. Who is the father of the child you are carrying?” He raises his voice. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. This is the time I will have to spit everything. I came prepared, the papers are in the car.
“Jele is the father of the child I'm carrying.” he lets out a baleful laugh sending chills down my spine. I feel my world spin. The chilliness in me...
“Ow, was it him that he fucked you that day, right?” he asks with an infuriated look on his face. I swallow hard and nod multiple times.
“You made me fuck you on top of another man’s cum. You were dripping wet for him and you came back her dripping him.” He holds his chest and rushes to the kitchen sink. I look on the side not wanting to see his chunder. Disgusting! I feel my stomach boiling making me gag. The acid is filling up the room making me close my airways. Could he have chosen another place!
“Nozi, you have killed me. Ubulale isidoda sami.” he sinks down on the floor and holds his head.
“For how long have you been fucking him?” He is no longer mad. Just numb.
“For some time.” I play with my fingertips.
“I see. That means he is the reason behind you wanting a divorce?”
“No, I just want out. Jele has been making me happy throughout when you never really cared about me.” He closes his eyes and lets the tears fall. I have never seen a man cry so much. He bellowed out the order making my chest close up. I take baby steps towards him.
“Simphiwe.” He looks up at me – the mucus and tears mixed all together. My heart breaks for him. I don’t know what to say at this point. I sit beside him and pull him to lean on me. This was once my beloved husband but I will never wish ill for him. Him being in a holding cell that past week was enough for him. I need to pure my heart out – tell him what I feel and how exactly I feel.
“I was afraid if I try to talk to you in person we'll start fighting. Lately, it seems if we manage to resolve one problem peacefully, we're soon arguing about something else – well entirely not something else but the same thing. I don't know when this bickering first crept into our marriage, but it's been getting worse over some time and it's honestly tiring. I've decided I can't continue our almost daily spats, saying things I soon regret and hearing things that become deeply etched upon my mind and heart. That is why I feel we need to separate. I realize, though, that our lives are too interconnected for me to just disappear without letting you know that I'll be staying at Jele's for the moment. I still love you and you will always hold a special place in my heart.” I say with tears swimming down my face. He turns his face to look at me and I see the emptiness in his eyes. The eyes that I last saw years back when he had given up in life but I was there for him through thick and thin. Held his hand until he accomplished so much. But I cannot any longer. I need to let go and be me.
“I don’t know where to start. We’ve been together for some time and we’ve had so many problems along the way. Problems that have been always enmeshment by me. I’ve mistreated you, spoken to you like you were nothing, acted like you were nothing, cheated on you, lied to you, ignored you, and still you stayed. You stayed. Because you believed in something, you stayed. Whether we were ever “compatible” or not is totally irrelevant. I know we don’t have a future…not now. Someday enough will be enough and you will drop me, as you should and you just did.” he smiles with tears streaming down his face. He caresses my face wiping my tears – he smiles again. That smile of losing hope. He has given up.
“But I want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so hateful, rude, unintelligent, childish, selfish, passive-aggressive, unfaithful, hopeless, careless, and flat out mean. I’m sorry for not caring when I said I did, not loving when I said I would, not listening when I said I would. I’m sorry for throwing away the wonderful life you offered. I’m sorry for not speaking up when I should have, not being as assertive as I could have been, not respecting myself enough to know that my self-loathing was being spilled over onto you....”
“It's okay, hopefully someday we will be best of friends and you will invite me to your wedding.” I say making him chuck.
“I swore never to fall in love or get married if we were to walk our separate ways. This heart belongs to only one woman and that is you.”
“You love sex too much. How are you going to cope?” I mean this man wouldn’t go a day without shoving his dick in some virgina.
“Trust me when I say I have learnt my lesson. I just want to be a full-time father and be there for my kids. This home is still your home and you are welcome anytime of the day. My kids are still your kids and you are free to ask for them anytime.”
“Thank you.” We fall into congenial silence. I can feel his heartbeat drumming against his chest.
“Do you think that someday we would have gotten a child if I stayed?” I ask.
“I believe so because you are now pregnant but the sad part is that it's not mines.” he heavily sighs.
“What if we were not meant to be?” I mean we have been married for years and not even a miscarriage attempts or a false alarm.
“I don’t believe in that. Mina nawe are meant to be. I know that we are, I still feel and I know that someday and one way or another we will be back in each other's arms stronger and better.” I chuck shaking my head. He can dream all he wants but this chapter is closed.
“Can you sign the divorce papers?” I ask. He touches my lips. I find his lips attached to mine. They are so cold and tasteless. They taste hunger and sexual desire. A slight moan escaped my mouth. He is slightly pushing me to lay on my back on the kitchen floor. Somehow my body reacts to his touches. I want him to stop but my mind says otherwise. I feel my breasts harding. A harsh bang gets Simphiwe off me. Zuri closing the cardboard...
“Zuri.” He groans and picks her up walking away. I lay there on the floor trying to regain my sight and breathing. I am panting, horny and frustrated. Why did I let it happen? I need to be out of here before we do the unthinkable. I stand up and pull my dress down - I need to bring those divorce papers and make him sign once and for all.
-
-
-
“So, this is it?” he asks looking at the brown envelope. As much as I hate it but it needs to be done.
“Yes Simphiwe. It’s the end of the road for our marriage.” I say shying away. I can't believe that we are throwing away so many memories, just like that.
“Can I read through? Once done I will call you back to take these.” He takes a deep sigh and gets lost in thoughts.
“What are you thinking?”
“Nothing.” He responds by not looking at me.
“I know you. So...” I know that something is bothering him.
“The day you gave me the receipt how did you find out.” He asks. I will have to be honest as well.
“Turns out we were neighbors that entire weekend.” I search for his reaction but none. I was expecting him to freak out, lash out or even break things in the house. “I should get going.” I say getting my bag from the couch. The look on Zuri’s face breaks my heart. I wish I never had to leave her behind but she has to stay with her father, unfortunately.
“Wow, erm okay.” That’s all he says. He takes Zuri who was on the verge of crying and goes up the stairs leaving me in tears. I swear they just drop unexpectedly.
“Jah neh.” I say to myself with a heavy heart. I leave my keys on top of the counter and walk myself out. This is it. I am leavimg what was my home back then. I am going to start my life with the man that makes me happy and the man that I love - I believe.
SIMPHIWE
My heart is raging in anger but I had to sustain myself and be cool about every shit. The times we lived through, the people we shared those times with; Nothing brings it all to life like an old mix tape. It does a better job of storing up memories than actual brain tissue can do. Every mixed tape tells a story. Put them together, and they can add up to the story of a life. When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I no longer be among those living in this valley of strange humors. But I cannot. Who will I leave my kids with? I look at the two of them sleeping peacefully on my bed – this sight makes me smile. It makes me think otherwise. I take a deep breath. I don’t want to do this but I have no other option but to do it. It gives me no choice.
“Mr Shandu, do you have any idea how late it is?” That is our lawyer asking. I am just giving him a job to earn extra cash.
“I know Mr Smith. Can we meet up. I want to discuss the divorce issue.” I say flicking the pen my wife bought me years ago. I look at the message ‘forever in my heart and smile’.
“What about it? I spoke about everything with your wife.” Why is he whining when I am the one who is going through the most?
“I know and she told me everything.” I say smiling.
“Then what do you want?” he asks. The smirk on my face makes my heart skip a bit. I can still smell her around my body. I can still taste her lips. This woman will forever belong to me.
“Now you talking. I want you too...”
