You and Me? Never

Chapter 31

This morning I woke up feeling uneasy, but I push the emotion aside and pretend like it's just another regular day. I followed my usual routine to make it seem like last night didn't happen and I just made it all up in my head.

My specialty is ignoring all my problems and sweeping them under the rug until they're big enough to trip me. Because that's inevitably what happens, my problems always catch up to me. Regardless, my delusional brain feels a little bit better when I'm at least able to postpone them for another time. It gives me some sick illusion of control, even if only for a little while.              

I'm praying that Blake was drunk enough to not remember a thing. Better yet, I'm praying that it was all just bullshit and didn't mean anything. If ever there's a time for my prayers to be answered, I hope it's this time. I can't even think about what happens if that's not the case.

As usual, I went to all my classes and so far, the day has gone smoothly. Probably because I haven't seen Blake, or anyone from the football house. Unfortunately, I'll know within the next half hour if my day is about to go to shit or not.

When I refused to go to the party yesterday, I told him I'd swing by later today so that we can hangout. It's later today, so I'm trying my best to temp down my nerves as I make my way over there.               

The walk doesn't take long and for the first time in my life, I hate that. I hate the fact that I don't know what to expect. I hate the fact that today can either make everything go back to normal or fuck everything up.   

As soon as I walk into the house, I already know how today is going to go. The tension in the air is impossible not to notice. The way all of the guys are rigidly siting in the living room lets me know everything I need to know. Even their greetings are filled with anxiousness and anticipation, especially when they tell me Blake is waiting for me in his room.              

I wish he wasn't. I wish he'd be here with everyone else so that we didn't have to talk about it. But wishes seldom come true and I guess prayers rarely get answered.   

Walking up the stairs feels as if I'm walking into my own execution. It's fucking terrifying. I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side of Blake's door but I can't imagine it being anything good.

I pause in front of the door, taking a deep breath and willing myself to get into character. Because I'm planning on playing the part that allows me to act as if nothing is wrong. As if nothing has changed.       

I don't bother knocking because I never knock. I feel like knocking would be the first step in admitting that something is off. So, I step into the room like it's any other regular day.              

"Hey," I greet as I enter, and Blake quickly sits up on his bed. Just that one action kills me because I know it's not normal. His whole frame is vibrating with nerves that I hoped wouldn't be there. It doesn't make me falter though, I'm putting on a show and the show must go on.

"Hi," he replies as if he's observing my every move, trying to figure out what I'm thinking.              

I round the bed to my side, just like I normally would and sit down. I start unpacking my books and will my hands not to tremble.

"I have some homework to finish up, but it'll only take a few minutes. You can start looking for something to watch."   

I don't look at him when I'm speaking, and I pretend I'm extremely busy taking out my textbooks and notebook. He doesn't respond but his hand on mine startles me to a stop.