Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

S E V E N

Lost in my inner self, I stared at the ceiling. Tears were still burning in my dried-out eyes, but I couldn't cry. The emptiness in me was too big, the hole in my heart too deep, and I sank more and more into it.

The days passed without me even realising it. I didn't go to school anymore, I haven't been for three days. I no longer answered the messages on my phone and I didn't set a foot out of the house. Because I had no strength. No strength to take care of my life. About that shitty life, which is supposed to end in four months. But do I even want that? Do I even want to live this life, or take care of it in any way?
Not really, but I didn't really have a choice either. Or I actually had it, I just didn't want to make the decision...

Either I stay here and spend the rest of my life sinking in self-pity, or I get up and use the time I got to do anything I want. Even though I was afraid of the second variant, I still didn't want to leave it untried and so I got up. My legs carried me to the bathroom, where the chaos of my collapse had long since been cleaned and I could look at my reflection in full abundance and, well, colour... But all I saw was the empty shell of myself.

My eyes seemed more gray than blue, my lips were only light pink instead of red and my face pale. Yesterday, my father said that I looked like a corpse, and what can I say, it was more than that. Not only did I look like that, I also felt the same. Dead, exhausted and overtired...

You should actually think that I have rested enough in the last few days, but that was not the case at all. The emptiness in me did not allow me to close an eye for a second. The only thing that really existed in my brain was Lewis. Of course... Day and night he was there. Whenever I closed my eyes or dared to sleep, I saw him. And the longer I did that, the more I regretted falling for him again and even briefly thought we could be friends. Normal friends. But we can't do that, and I knew that now.

That was the only advantage that these last three days have had. I could finally realise what I should have realised much earlier. That he is absolute poison, that he is the reason why I am feeling so bad now. And that we can't be friends, I just love him too much for that... The thought of being so close and yet so far from him tears me apart and I have no idea what this means for us. Well, there is no us, at least not like before...

As soon as I had freshened up a little, my name echoed on the walls and thus interrupted my confused thoughts. „Yes, Dad?" I asked while I was running into the kitchen. „Would you like to come with me? I'm going to work now and maybe it could do you quite well to get out of here..." He packed his stuff and looked at me briefly when he finished talking. I actually wanted to refuse, but then I thought that he might not have been so unfair. It would certainly be good for me to get out of here, and if it's only for his work...

He was happy when I agreed, which could warm my heart a little. It was nice to see that I didn't just disappoint him.

In order not to look like I had just got out of bed, which wouldn't even be a lie, I exchanged my sweatpants for jeans and my hoodie for a decent T-shirt. After that, I put my phone in my back pocket and brushed my hair before we made our way to Mercedes.

The ride flew by, I barely felt my environment rush past me. My thoughts swung between trivial things and I wasn't really present until we finally entered the building. At the reception the young woman greeted us friendly. Shortly after that she turned around again. Suddenly, I was fully there again and watched the blonde talk to Lewis behind the counter. Without it being my intention, feelings of jealousy rose in me and I could not help but avert my gaze. It was bad, far too hurtful to watch another woman make him laugh. And once again, I regretted ever having let him so deep into my heart. Because in the end, it makes no difference anyway whether I got along with him or not, he still hurts me again and again and probably doesn't even notice it.

But that's just how it is, that's how life is. That's the bitter reality, and I can't change anything about it...

I finally found myself in the cafeteria. While my father went to his meeting, I had made myself comfortable at one of the tables and enjoyed the tranquillity. Except for me, only a few people were here, but I soon didn't realise them anymore.

Everything around me lost accuracy and I felt me drifting away again, but I couldn't do anything about it. As so often, my thoughts were buzzing about Lewis. Who would have that expected?

Even though I knew it was probably nothing more than entertainment, it hurt. It put a sting in my heart, and the more I realised about it, I also became more angry with myself. It had never been my kind of allowing such torment because of a man. And then it was also someone who treated me like dirt, broke me and shattered my heart. The biggest asshole of all. I had to fall in love with the fucking biggest asshole in this god damn world...

How about everything in this damn world, could I let it get that far? The question of what happened with the old Liv, I have faced up many times in the last few days, and I did it again. Although I knew I could never answer this question, I asked it myself. Over and over again, I was looking for an answer. And it was really tiring not to get any further, even though I tried so hard. But maybe it's better that way...?

Perhaps this is the only way to leave behind what happened in the past, when I am finally satisfied with what it is like and stop looking for answers that I can't find...