Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

F O R T Y O N E

Please promise me to always take care of yourself... I need you here.

So you can break a promise so quickly, I thought while I ran up the stairs to the studio. Nobody knew I was here. Of course not, and I felt bad about it. Actually, I shouldn't do any sports, not dance and so on, but I just couldn't stand it anymore. As stupid as it might sound, that was the only thing that could really help me deal with my life at the moment. The quarrel last night in the bar just didn't want to go out of my head anymore. The way we had gone apart yesterday, his face when I left, every thought hurt. I felt like I had to distract myself, to do something just not to think about it. And as strange as it seems, knowing that I am breaking the promise I made to Lewis somehow satisfied me. It was a little like a satisfaction that he always starts the same quarrel. Because it eats me up from the inside to have the same discussions over and over again. Slowly but surely, until there is nothing left of me. But I couldn't allow that. I was not allowed to disappear, not to lose myself. And that's why I did it, even though it wasn't right but dangerous.

A warming feeling surrounded me when I entered the studio. The room was brightly lit, the floor shone and the mirrors were clean. Oh, how much I missed that...

My bag slipped off my shoulders, for a moment I just stood there. I looked at the memories that took place like a movie in front of my eye. And when I turned around, I saw Lewis standing in the door frame. The memory seemed so real, so lively to me that I stayed in it for a moment - and reviewed what happened here back then. His sudden appearance, the power failure, the first deep look into his eyes, the dark cellar room and everything that happened afterwards. Hard to believe how time flies...

Then I turned away again and bent over to take off my shoes. After that, I started the music, but I briefly thought about just go again. Nobody would know that I have ever been here, and no one would ever say a word about it. I could just go. But no, I had to go through this now. Knowing that this was dangerous gave me the kick. It's exactly the same feeling as standing on the roof of a high-rise building and looking down. Simply let go of that, plunge into the depths, even though you actually know that you will die then. It's exactly the same. And I needed this kick, more than anything else. I finally wanted to feel again how the energy shoots through my veins, have this feeling of simply being free. Nothing more. But I just couldn't stand it any other way. I felt trapped in my own life. Trapped in the thoughts, worries and fears that came over me when I least expect them. So if there is such a thing as fate, then I challenge it and will prove to everyone that I am stronger.

You are stronger, Liv. You can do it, you are the only thing that keeps you. Let go! The voice in my head became louder and louder. Come on! I saw less and less from my outside world. Everything lost accuracy and I only heard it. The voice that told me to continue. Come on, you can do it. Keep going. I continued, kept going, even though I should have stopped a long time ago. Let go! And then I let go. Only for a short moment, but it was already too late.

I felt me come to a stand. The cold sweat broke out of me and my heart raced. With my hand I tried to hold on to the dance bar, but it was useless and I fell. My body was deaf, yet I felt the cold floor under me. Then nothing more. Pitch black silence. For a brief moment before I opened my eyes and tried to orient myself.

You were too weak, Liv. „Oh God, please shut up!" I tried to sit down, rubbed my temples and hoped the voice in my head would fall silent. And she did, fortunately. But the pain did not subside. He sat directly under my left ribs and pulsated through my whole body with every heartbeat. Dear God - please let this end very quickly! I knew that praying probably didn't help me, and it was completely absurd, but I did. The only thing I could do was wait. Wait until the pain subsides and I can get up.

Oh God, Liv. What did you do? I also asked myself the same question. What had I done? I had exaggerated it, and I didn't even regret it. Quite the contrary, even. Actually, that was exactly what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to continue until my body says I have enough. And that's exactly what he did, he stopped working, just like that. Oh, that was absolutely pathetic...

The more I thought about it, the stupider I felt. I got this adrenaline kick and played with my life, literally. I knew that it was dangerous and could kill myself, of course I did. But that was just me, I play with my life, push myself to the limits until it doesn't work anymore and try not to die. The same was the case with the drugs at this party. They took away my pain when Lewis broke my heart. And dancing relieves me of the burdens I have now. I don't care about the price I pay for it, as long as I feel life again...