Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

T W E N T Y S I X

Exhausted and powerless, I let myself sink on Lewis' couch. For a moment I just enjoyed the silence, I enjoyed finally having peace. Tranquillity from my father, who avoids me all the time, tranquillity from all the other people who annoy me, and tranquillity from all the problems in my life. When I was with Lewis, everything suddenly seemed so much easier and I felt almost ridiculous when I thought about what this world has in store for me. But actually that was illogical, I mean that with Lewis. It didn't make sense for him to make my life easier, when he was actually the person who made it so difficult. As far as my strength was enough to think, it made no sense in my head.

But maybe all this doesn't have to make sense at all. Perhaps this is not about meaning, but about something else. What if fate wants to tell me something? For quite a while I stared motionlessly at the ceiling and thought about what I had just said. But I just didn't realise, what could it mean? Maybe it should be something like a exam in which our love is tested.

Perhaps this is about seeing if our love can withstand life. What if all our ups and downs are part of it?
Suddenly, so much made sense in my head without it really making sense.

Of course I knew it was absurd, but in a way it sounded logical to me. And I mean, our love would be strong enough, wouldn't it? It would be strong enough to survive this, this exam. It would be able to withstand what happens to us... I was sure of that, or at least I wanted to be.

With these, admittedly quite confused thoughts in my head, I drifted away more and more. I only felt someone sitting on the couch with me, from then on it got dark.
For a felt moment there was nothing, perfect blackness. And then reality came back. It surprised me in my sleep and smashed every little hope of carelessness. My heart stumbled, I rang for air. Suddenly I opened my eyes, groped my hands around me, hoping to have Lewis here with me. But he wasn't there. He didn't sit here anymore.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Was everything I could think of at the moment. It felt like I was dying. As if the roller coaster with which my heart is currently driving is breaking out of all joints. And with each time it beats faster, I couldn't do more than pray that it stops. But it didn't do that either.

In the end, I got up. Probably it hadn't even been thirty seconds I sat there, but these seconds felt like miserable minutes. And I just couldn't stand it anymore, I had to get out of here. I needed fresh air and hope not to die.

My vision got dim when I got up, but I tried to ignore it. Just like the fact that ice-cold sweat dripped from my forehead. I groped along the walls to the entrance, any attempts to scream for help ended in nothing. Not a single sound made it up my dry throat, all that remained was a quiet whirring in my brain when I saw the light behind the front door.

I recognised the vague silhouette of two people standing in the seemingly open door. But after just a few moments, I realised that this was not the reality I was now in. The two people I saw there, it was Lewis and me. I watched us kiss, that was probably the moment when I lost this shitty bet. Something in me said that this was just the punishment for being weak. If I only had just remained strong...

I shook my head, pinched my eyes tightly, just to get these pictures out of my head. And it worked. As soon as I opened my eyes again, I was alone. Nobody stood in the entrance anymore, I only saw the light from outside and knew I had to go there.

So I gathered myself up. I tried to get to the door along the walls. In my head was this voice that told me that I would die. All the time, so penetrating that I would like to smash my skull against something just to silence this voice. But they just didn't want to stop. You will die, Liv. Look, you're getting closer to the end! Mocking laughter came from them, I couldn't stand it anymore. Do you see what you have done, you are a liar! They said. And they were right. I am a liar. But I had a reason why I've done that, I wanted to protect Lewis. I just wanted to save him from the truth, because I know that it will destroy everything.