my online lover

feeling free

Kevin and I haven't talked for three days.

He tried to keep a conversation but I left the text on read and never opened the chat. Not even to cut off the blue number next to his chat.

I am determined to push this moment of my life back and never pick it up again. I have tried and I think it's better to not push this more than how it is. I can focus on my studies and think about men once I finish the year.

But then Antonio's voice booms in my head when he said: ask him what you want him to tell you. And I should've done that. It's not Kevin's fault if he can't talk about that girl. She probably asked him to not tell anyone what was going on and who am I to press him to talk about it. I could have asked him whatever I wanted to, but instead, I decided to be the dramatic one and ghost him.

I grunt while I am looking at my notes. The two guys around me take a look at me, to check if everything is good but I don't face them. I know what they both are thinking and I am tired to have that conversation. They only have to understand my point of view and let it go.

But Antonio doesn't agree. «You could at least have asked him what's his job.»

I don't answer. I read what's written in my notebook even if I am not connecting to the words. Yes, I could've but for what purpose? To have another vague answer and make more doubts.

«Or why his mother stayed in England and only his father is here with him.»

I can feel Giacomo patting Antonio's arm to make him stop but my rage already passed the limit and now I am facing my best friend who clearly regretted talking. «Tonio, have ever someone told you how annoying you are?»

He is silent. I don't if I offended him or because he is afraid to say anything. So I keep going. «Whatever I could have asked him, I will never. I made up my mind. Why are you so pushy on him?»

«Because you are not even trying.»

«You are talking only about him since the first day. I am sick of it. If I am not going to see him again, there is a reason and I would like you to stop talking about it.»

Antonio sighs and shakes his head. «Last thing and then you can stay in your miserable alone life: not everyone finds it easy to talk about personal stuff. You neither. So, try to understand people instead of only judging.»

I straighten my back. I don't judge. I just don't trust.

I am looking at him while he is still facing my eyes but saying anything. His expression is worth more than words and I know that maybe he is right, but not even that knife in the chest will make my mind change. And I think from this moment on, we can finally close Kevin's chapter. I hope so.

We go back to study while Giacomo is making us some snacks. He will leave us in some minutes and I think I will leave with him. I don't wanna stay alone with Antonio, knowing that we could discuss it again.

So, after having snacks, I and Giacomo leave together.

During a little part of the walk, none of us talk.

Then Giacomo takes the step. «I don't wanna talk about him. I wanna talk about the concept in general.»

«I don't need a psychological session.»

«It is not. Think about it as a friend's advice: live life day by day. Don't let your past or fear of the future control you. You will regret it if you don't let yourself go. And I am not talking about Kevin but about everything that seems to have a heavy meaning in your life.»

I don't say anything. I look in front of me, but nowhere in particular. I know he is right because I have always been an over-thinker about everything and this brought me to have so many regrets about my past. And now I could do the same mistakes but it is not something I have control over, as he says. It is something that just happens. I am afraid that if I let myself go, then things can get worse and I find no escape from it. I create this wall around me, make of trust issues and fear of happiness to push everyone away so I can't be hurt. But I still get hurt.