my online lover

mom

After a week of keeping track of Joe and Kevin's conversation, my mom's death anniversary has arrived. And with it, also my anxiety about living the moment with her. Yesterday, while Kevin was dropping me back home, I had a panic attack out of nowhere. He had to park the car in the nearest spot and calm me down. He handled the situation well, just like he did in the bar some time ago.

I didn't even have a good night. I kept waking up in the middle of my sleep with heavy breaths. I ended up sleeping with my dad, so I could feel someone to hug and feel safe. He welcomed me happily, holding me against his chest and I felt like a kid again. I am pretty sure he stayed awake all night to check on me but I think from the moment I laid next to him, my sleep found its peace.

When I wake up, I don't find my dad next to me and I suppose he left for work but when I lift my body I can hear noises from the kitchen. I peer at the time and see that is late morning. What's he doing in the house?

I leave the bed, chilling as the temperature outside the sheets hits me. I pick up one of the little blankets and surround it on my body before walking across the house and reaching the kitchen.

As he hears me, he turns his body in my direction. «How do you feel?»

I haul my feet until I reach the table, where I sit and grab my face in my hands. «My head is bursting,» I retort with a cry while I huff and push my head against the table.

A few seconds later, my dad appears with a cup of coffee and a sandwich filled with Nutella. I smile at his thoughtfulness and lift my head to meet his gaze. He caresses my head before kissing me on the forehead. «I took some hours off, so I could be sure you're fine.»

I frown. «I am. You can go. Don't stay here.»

My dad chuckles and sits next to me. «Don't worry, I am my boss. I can go late.»

I reach for his hand and hold it. «I am fine,» I repeat glueing my gaze in his. «No need to worry. In some hours I'll go to her and have my usual talk. I won't be alone.»

My dad narrows his eyes. «Usually, you go alone,» he wonders.

«I don't feel safe to go alone.» For some reason. «So he will wait in the car. I won't be alone if I will not feel well.»

«You said it is nothing serious but I am still waiting to meet him.»

I huff rolling my eyes and biting the sandwich. «You will, don't worry.»

«Okay,» he asserts checking the time. «Are you sure you're fine? I can stay another hour.»

«No, go. I am fine. I'll text you if I need you okay?»

My dad tosses me another look, making sure I am fine and when he is satisfied with what he is staring at, he hugs me and then leaves the house.

Suddenly, it feels dark in here. As I peer around, I see my mom everywhere. In every corner of the house. I feel her and it makes my head spin too fast. I feel dizzy. It is like she wants me to know she is here but the way I am feeling is making me sick.

I stand up, reach for my bedroom and pick up my phone. I go back to the table in the dining room and I wait for my device to turn on. While I do that, I drink the coffee my dad prepared for me and the caffeine quickly slips through my throat. Hopefully, it will have its effect quickly.

When my phone is ready to be used, it buzzes with a few texts. I check on them. They're from Antonio and Kevin. I open first my best friend's.

Tonio

How are you? I remember what day is today and I hope you're handling it well

If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me