be aware

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The headphones are laying around my neck and I hear distant dim voices from them. I am facing the window, peering a look at the bad weather. It's heavily raining and the grey sky always gives me a headache. My dad also has this annoying thing and right now I am wondering how much we don't have a proper conversation. We only see each other for dinner but most of the time we're both so tired that we stay quiet until one of us stands up and leaves the table first. That's why yesterday night I left him a post-it on the table with the words: don't rush at dinner, I want to have a proper conversation. And I hope he read that because otherwise, I have to open some sort of conversation out of nowhere. It's not a big deal, I know, but if he is prepared it's different.

«Enede,» Daniele calls me tapping one hand on my shoulder. «There will be a trap in a trap. Kevin will be the bait,» he explains to me as I lift my head to meet his gaze.

I frown. «What?» As I ask that, I put back my headphones and the voices become clearer.

«You won't be there?» It's Kevin asking that using an apparently confused tone.

«Sure I will,» Joe answers, his voice is a bit distant. «I want you to be the one that does the big step.»

«Which is?»

«You'll know it only on the day.»

I whine pushing my head back for the frustration. Why he has to keep all these secrets? If he trusts Kevin, he shouldn't stay quiet on that stuff. Or maybe Joe doesn't trust him and wants to be sure he will be there until the end. But what is this big thing about? Has Kevin killed Nando? What will this be about?

«You really don't fully trust me,» Kevin broaches with an annoyed tone.

«I do, figlio, but this thing is delicate. It's better if I only know it,» Joe pushes out. «But I am sure you don't mind, right? If you want to take my place, you're here to follow me step by step, right?»

A silence makes the line on the desktop straight and I wonder what Kevin is thinking about. I bit my inner lips as my usual nervous tic and flash a gaze to Daniele who is facing fiercely the monitor and waiting for the boy's answer.

«I guess I have to repeat this to you until the end,» Kevin replies and I take a deep breath out. «You will never trust me, I am sure about that.»

«Why you're acting such a girly way?» Joe snorts. «You and I both need time. Are you in a hurry?»

«No, Father.»

«Good. Then what you should know is that it will be a big attack and after that, we'll be clean and I'll step back so you can start leading the family in your way,» Joe suddenly confesses and I widen my gaze. «Of course always with me as your shadow.»

«Wow,» I mumble. «He is really tiresome.»

Daniele chuckles and looks at me. «You just called one of the biggest Mafia leaders boring?»

«Yes,» I press with a blank expression. «All his purposes are. And I am looking forward to the end of this. I am so tired of all this. I am sure people can find it compelling but for me is just a waste of time.»

«Innocent die because of people like him,» Daniele tosses out. «People wake up with the fear in their heart, because of them. They don't know if they will arrive at the end of the day alive only because they've breathed the same air. And you think all of his is boring and a waste of time?»

I bend my back, feeling suddenly small. «It's not what I meant,» I whisper with an ashamed tone. «Maybe boring wasn't the right word, I am sorry.»

«You're risking your life for a boy you barely know,» suddenly he adds and I open my lips to the surprise of the words. «How did you end up here? Don't you have respect for yourself?»

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