my online lover

verity

When your life gives you all those good moments, it means suddenly something bad is about to happen. Nothing good lasts forever, there will always be something in between that ruins everything and turns upside down the situation. One moment, can ruin everything or be the start of the end.

Once that bad thing starts, nothing will ever be the same.

And that's what happened to me. I didn't know that. I had the feeling but once I decided to live freely, I push it away thinking it was just my mind playing dirty with me.

I didn't have trust in myself. In my feelings. I had to.

But somehow, I didn't want to.

—

Life lately is going amazing.

Everything is working in the way it should work. It seems like I have crossed the whole dark tunnel and now I am on the light road, with a blue sky and the sea next to me. It feels so unreal that I am searching for the downfall. Not because I want to have a breakdown but because I want it to be real and, like this? Nothing seems real. I have lived in hell for years, and suddenly my month has gone well.

I manage to focus on my studies, find my thesis points and arguments, and talk about the internship. Had other dinners with Marina and I also went on another date with Kevin.

It was really good, the date. We went to a not-so-fancy restaurant where I had the most delicious meat I have ever had since I've been living in Italy. We talked about a lot of stuff but not about things that would have ruined the date. He asked me about the university, and why I chose Literature. Kevin also tried to investigate what I wanna do in my future but that's a point I don't even know.

Then we talked about his job. He told me that he wants to try to find another office to work as a lawyer. But he also added: but first I need to clean my back from my father.

When I asked him what that means, he didn't actually answer clearly. «To be sure his dirty work won't affect my future,» he said like it was nothing big.

I tried to know more about what he wanted to say but he cut the conversation off by changing the subjects. Whenever I try to not let my mind control me, something gives me thoughts and Kevin is the best one for giving me confusing signals. Once he seems the best guy ever, and two seconds after seems to hide the biggest secret in the world.

After the date, I let him drop me off at my house. I trusted him enough to let him do it and I thought it would have been nice for him to know. We didn't kiss but we also didn't feel the pressure of doing that. If there is something I have realised is that both want to go slowly. There was no awkward moment before I left the car. We laughed about my joke about stalking me now that he knows where I live.

He opened my car's door and we greeted each other with a slight hug and then I went back home.

That was the last time I saw him in almost a week.

We talk a lot by text and we also started with calls, mostly the night before I go to sleep. As I said, everything seems to be fine but somehow I have this deep feeling in my chest pushing me to the idea of something off. There is something off. It can't be everything so easy. Something must go bad. University, family, him. I need to feel that this is real and to feel real I need the bad thing.

I know it will happen, one day. But until that, I'll keep living day by day.

«Do you think I can ask Antonio to move in with me, for Christmas?»

I am with my head down on the laptop, trying to focus on the third slide of the subject I am studying and when I heard what Giacomo just said to me I hear my heart flip.