my online lover

heal what's unhealable

After almost a week closed in my house, my dad started to be worried about me.

In the first days, I told him I wasn't feeling well, and that I needed some rest. But when he saw how pale I was and how less I was eating, he started to feel very worried about me. And I don't blame him. I just can't stop seeing the scene of the attack. Every time I fall asleep, I see that big disgusting man calling me 'doll' and then hitting me, unmerciful and I wake up screaming, with my father coming into my room to check me.

I want this to stop, I don't want him to get worried about me that much. I don't even know how to justify myself. I told him that I am in that period of the month but he knows I am not because this is not what period makes a girl do. Not nightmare, screaming during the night, starving and paling.

My phone came back after three days and when I picked it up, it was like I had before the attack. No scratches and no bending. When I turned it on, the first things that appeared on my lock screen were all the calls and the text from both Kevin and Antonio and they were all from the day I was kidnapped.

The last text from Kevin was right after he dropped me home and when I read it, I felt my heart cracking.

Kevin

If you only knew how much I feel bad and guilty for what happened to you...

When I realised they took you, I started to feel some sort of fear I'd never felt before.

I thought I could lose you.

And I realised that if one day you'll walk away, after everything, I won't take it well.

I am not saying that you have to stay, I am just realising things.

And I wish things would be different between us.

I hope you feel better and one day you can forgive me.

I didn't text it back. As I read the text, I started to cry and I don't know if it was for the words he used or of the trauma I was still healing of. I only knew that I was and I am confused. I know I should talk to him, we should have a deep conversation and make a point. Decide what to do, and make a position. But I don't know if I can handle seeing him right now because I am weak and my feelings are deep. If I would be in front of him right now, I have no idea what I would do and what my mind would think.

At some point, I will make a decision, but not now.

It's the end of the week and my father has taken some days from work to stay with me, to check on me. I told him it was fine and I didn't need him to oversee me but he insisted and I had to let him do the father.

«What do you want for dinner?» He asks me while we're sitting on the couch, looking at the tv. He put on a comedy movie but I am not even listening to him. He turns his head over me. «Enede?»

As he calls me, I give him my attention. «Mh?»

I can see his eyes trying to read me but he just sighs. «What do you want for dinner?»

I am not hungry, I want to reply but I know he wouldn't accept it. He already dealt with this period of my life, I am not going to bring that again in new life. «Pizza,» I suggest. I don't know if I am going to eat it, but at least I can try.

My dad nods smiling and leaves the couch to call the pizzeria. I turn off the tv because the movie was about to end and I wasn't watching it and I pet Brody's head before feeling my phone buzzing. I take it and I hold my breath when I see it's Kevin again. I sigh and open it.

Kevin

How are you?

His constant trying to know how I feel is making me nervous and not in a good way. I get he is worried but if I don't text you back there is a reason behind it. This time, I'll give him a shoulder so maybe he can turn off his protective big brother side and let me have my healing moment in peace.