𝐑𝐞𝐝 𝐑𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞

L U C Y

"I just think it's a lot to put on anyone right now. I'm not holding out hope that we'll work. She's just what you'd call a "gay awakening"," I say and my eyes widen. Farris asked if I wanted to join him for lunch today while we were at trivia last night and I agreed. Apparently, I decided to continue to spill my guts to him.

"Never said it out loud before?" Farris guesses correctly and I nod. "No big deal. Did it feel wrong? Or incorrect I guess?" He asks, his voice holding no judgment whatsoever.

I shake my head almost imperceptibly and he cracks a smile, not that they're hard to come by but he does have a bit of a resting bitch face so it often takes me by surprise.

"There ya go. We'll just let it sit there, no need to overthink it or take it back. Just me and you."

"You sound like you're talking down an angry grizzly or something. I don't need you to hold my hand dude," I laugh and Farris follows suit.

"I'm so sorry that my training for potentially delicate situations is outdated. I'll work on it," He says.

"Hey, this was nice," I say, nudging Farris' shoulder as we walk out of the cafeteria side by side. I spot Reed running off in another direction and push him towards her, waving him off when he has some inner turmoil about leaving me abruptly.

"Dude, I'm fine. Go."

He chuckles, already walking off towards her. "Alright, thanks. And agreed. Anytime our friend is neglecting us, you've got a lunch buddy."

"Never say that again."

"Yeah, I'm gonna go."

"Please do," I say, laughing as soon as he turns around and is no longer facing me. The man's gone soft. He's also pretty cool, I guess. Thinking about it now, I feel bad for the two of them but if they just communicated, I'm sure things wouldn't feel as tense for Farris.

My thoughts on their relationship are paused as my phone rings in my pocket. As soon as I pull it out and read what's on the screen, I hesitate to answer for a moment before pressing the green 'answer' button before it rings out.

"Lucinda, darling," My mother greets and I purse my lips, wincing as though my previous thoughts are on display through the device.

"Hi mom," I say, walking back towards my dorm building and foregoing the library for my own comfort. The answers to the questions that my mother asks at our check-ins are not ones I particularly like people overhearing.

Nobody familiar sees me as I get from A to B, and I'm thankful that my mother keeps our chat light to start. Closing the door behind me, I'm thankful for my decision to come here when she says "Next time you come home, don't bother unless you bring a nice boy for dinner. We need to meet him before he starts courting you."

I blink three times. "Where is this coming from? I thought I was supposed to focus on school?"

"Of course you are. But you can surely do both. I've been talking to the ladies in my book club and one of them was going on and on about her handsome son who goes to Red Ridge..." My mother carries on as I tune out her words and focus on the message she's working on delivering.

"And soccer?" I cut in, my voice shaking but I do my best to sound normal.

"Well, that comes first, always. Lucinda, why do you act as though our priorities have changed suddenly? None of this is new. I'm simply reminding you of our goals."

"I know." I don't know. None of this is new and yet, never has she phrased it quite like she did before. Don't bother unless you bring a nice boy. I barely want to bring myself most of the time, knowing the barrage of questions I'm asked, but I always go home for family dinners and I never regret it. I love my family and they truly love having me with them. We watch movies and stay in our pajamas and talk. Only at the dinner table does it feel a bit like an investigation, but my dad always diffuses the tension in the room with a quiet statement or diverting question of his own.

Our goals seem to have taken a new meaning, and I shuffle around and end the call without a second thought. I type an excuse to send to my mother and don't give it a second thought, vowing not to take another look at my phone until the morning.

I'm making myself food in the dorm kitchen when my thoughts drift back to my call and I swallow but find a lump in my throat. I try to push my emotions down as I stir the mac and cheese but the second I tilt my head down to look at the pot, tears prick at the back of my eyes. Blinking rapidly and looking up now, my attention on my food gone in lieu of focusing on repressing the quickly surfacing feelings. I'm a Kennedy. We don't feel sorry for ourselves, and we don't waste time crying about it.

Getting angry at myself works to stop the tears, but my steady decline seems to include hyperventilation and I'm forced to lower myself to the floor, sliding my back along the cupboards and using them to hold myself up. I'm thankful for the empty common room, thankful that I'm the only person cooking at nine at night on a Wednesday night.

I have the good sense to turn off the stove, realizing that whatever is happening isn't going away and only seems to be getting worse. My hands tangle in my tight curls, digging them into my own scalp to feel something other than the tightening of my chest and the hollowness of my lungs.

"What are you—oh my god, Luce," Charlotte says, rushing over from the doorway to find me on the floor. My eyes widen and by now, the tears are streaming down my face and I put my head in between my knees, shying away from her bright eyes. "Can I...I'm just gonna..." She trails off, speaking like I'm a scared animal backed into a corner, but I don't flinch when she gently places her hand on my shoulder. Taking that as a good sign, she slides in next to me, puts her arm around me, and pulls me into her side.

"No," I sob, not wanting her of all people to see me like this, but she stays by my side.

"I'm not leaving you here. We'll just sit here and breathe together," She says matter-of-factly, as though that was her plan for coming down here all along. "I'm sorry I've been gone so much and didn't realize you were having a hard time. You can always talk to me, I just might not be around campus as much. Or the team," She says and it provides me enough of a distraction to forget about avoiding eye contact.

My hands are balled into fists and I dig my fingernails into my palms, but my eyes are questioning and she understands my silent question. "I, um, Reed and Maddison are going to be co-captains as I've stepped down for now. Health issues. Nothing to worry about."

"Charlie," I breathe.

She sighs, putting her head down and avoiding my eyes. "I'm only telling you this because I trust you and because I can't say no to those puppy-dog eyes. When I was a kid, I was diagnosed with a relatively mild form of Hodgkin's Lymphoma. A type of cancer that attacks the immune system. Basically, I was weak and tired all of the time, but I had Aaron who wanted to help and became a donor baby, though that's not what he would call himself. I was cured and all was well," Her voice cracks and I lean my head on her shoulder, realizing that my breathing is starting to match hers as our shoulders rise and fall together. "Until I started to suspect...I went in to make certain and sure enough..."

"Oh," Is all I manage. I'm here having a panic attack over a phone call with my mom when Charlie has been dealing with all of this for who knows how long, sitting on information that changes her life and the lives of those around her. She's been taking action and making decisions affecting her future and career, knowing that her health isn't in her control anymore.

"No. Don't you dare do that. I didn't tell you that so that you could compare. We are human and we are allowed to react. Whatever it is, you're dealing with it, and we'll cope together alright? You're not alone, I most definitely had a very similar episode the other day."

"But—"

"Nope. Enough. Stop it in your head, too. Just let yourself feel for a damn minute." She says and I can't help but chuckle. And I didn't want to tell people but I wanted you to know before everybody else finds out. I still haven't been able to tell Reed, so please don't mention it until I do. Now, I'm going to finish up your food, you're gonna eat it, and we'll go back upstairs together. Unless you want to be alone?" I shake my head. "Then it's settled.