𝐑𝐞𝐝 𝐑𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞

M A D D I S O N

"Oh Xander, thank god," I breathe. My chest heaves with the exertion it took to run the three flights of stairs and down the halls, looking everywhere. "Where's their room?" I ask and he gestures in front of him with his hand, confusion swimming in his eyes.

I glance in the window to see Charlotte in a hospital bed. Craning my neck to see as much as possible, I scan the room and turn around when I don't find him. "Where's Aaron?" I ask and he wrings his hands.

"Maddie. He was taken down hours ago," He tells me and I shake my head.

"No, I'm here on time. It's twelve right?" I check my phone to make sure, panic filling my chest again. I'd been stressed all morning, debating whether or not to come earlier but when I couldn't stomach waiting in the hospital, I waited at home. My shaking fingers tried to type out a text with no luck.

"He was taken down at ten."

"But he told me twelve. It was supposed to be twelve. I'm here on time," I say as if that will make it true and he shakes his head. I pull up my calendar, and sure enough, it says twelve. Hesitantly, I go to my messages with Aaron and scroll up. "Ten," I whisper, dread filling my voice.

"But he..." My eyebrows furrow and I look up at the ceiling as my breathing speeds up. "He asked me to be his familiar face," I look back at Xander and he stands up, concern written on every feature of his face.

"Maddie, I'm sure he knew..." I shake my head.

"I couldn't text him. I haven't answered," My eyes widen. "He went in alone..." I bite my lip, feeling wetness burn my eyes. "I'm gonna be sick," I say as I realize how magnanimously I've fucked up. All it would have taken is a text. He would've understood. He doesn't know that I wanted to be here, Aaron went into surgery thinking that I backed out. He was probably thinking that I'm rejecting him.

"Maddie. Fuck," He catches me just before I smash my knees on the flooring and I grab my chest, feeling like I'm having a heart attack. I don't feel the tears as they drip from my eyes, or Xander's arms around me. I don't hear the sounds of the hospital or the people around me. All I can hear is the voice in my head telling me how badly I fucked up.

"He'll be okay. It's okay. Come sit," He leads me to a chair and I try to slow my breathing. "He'll understand. He'll forgive you once he knows."

"I will never forgive myself. Everyone who comes here comes for her. I'm the person he asked to be here for him."

"Their parents will be here. I'm going to pick up their mom soon."

"Alexander," I say, using his full name for the first time. "He told me he was falling in love with me and asked me to be here for him. I didn't say it back but I told him I would be here." His eyes fall in understanding. "He not only thinks that I don't love him, but that—" My voice cracks and he puts his arm around my shoulder.

"Do you love him?" He asks and I bristle.

"If I did, I would have said it back," I snap but he doesn't flinch away, and I sigh. "I don't know. I've never been loved before and it's overwhelming. I might. But I can't tell him that."

"Yeah," He agrees. "But you could tell him something else."

"What if I can't? What if something goes wrong?" I worry.

"Something could always go wrong. Not just in here but out in the world too."

"Very positive, thank you."

"I'm just saying, you gotta tell the people you care about that you care about them. Always. Just in case," He looks towards Charlie's room longingly, probably wishing he could be by her side and tell her that he cares about her, or maybe even that he loves her. Instead, he's stuck with waiting outside and looking through her window. "He'll be okay. You'll be here when he gets out and you can tell him..."

"That I care about him," I whisper and he nods.

"Jesus. You scared the shit out of me there," He breathes when I've finally calmed down and made myself at home on the chair. I can't help but laugh.

"Yeah, me too," I say sadly, and though I've made up my mind to tell Aaron when he comes out, I worry a bit about his surgery, mostly about his reaction. He said he was falling in love with me, but what does that mean? Why? And after what I've just done, what will he think of me then? I can't stand the thought of him thinking lowly of me when he's the only person who truly knows me; the only person who truly sees me.

What if subconsciously I put the time into my calendar wrong on purpose? I already cut it close enough, so even if I had been here on time, what if he was taken in early? It was selfish of me not to double-check something so important. I don't have to ask Xander to know that nobody else was here, his face said it all.

When Charlie's nurses enter her room for something, I sneak away for a smoke. I haven't had a cigarette in far too long, but the weight of them in my jacket pocket makes me itch for one, so I give in and go outside. The walk away from the hospital is too picturesque for my mood, but I find a bench and sit, watching cars drive by as I light up.

The smoke fills my lungs and burns, but on every exhale, I feel lighter. Before I realize it, I've had two, three, and I'm stamping that last one out before I walk back towards the massive building, looming and blocking out the sun from where I stand. I have to walk through the parking lot to get to the same entrance, and I see my motorcycle parked ahead.

My eyes dart between the entrance of the hospital and I think about my options. I could go back inside and wait, explain everything to Aaron when he gets out of surgery, and hope he forgives me for my mistake. I could also hop on my motorcycle, drive home, drive anywhere, and be alone. I could go to the gym and take my frustration with myself out on a sandbag or another person.

He'll never forgive me for leaving, but he might never forgive me for being late either. I guess I'll never know what decision I would have made because my phone rings in my pocket and the decision is made for me.