𝐑𝐞𝐝 𝐑𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞

F A R R I S

Reed cries harder. "No, no, Reed. It's okay. I'm not mad." Her eyebrows furrow and she finally meets my eyes.

"How? Why?" She asks and I let out a breath.

"I know you wouldn't snoop on purpose. I trust you," I say and she looks like she wants to seek comfort in my arms but pulls back, not allowing herself to.

"You blame yourself for my actions. For how I am, and...oh my god I can't breathe," I move so that I'm sitting by her side and pull her into my lap, her back against my chest, my legs bracketing her thighs, her body encased in my arms that form an X over her chest.

"Breathe. We can't talk unless you breathe, Buttercup," I tell her, sneakingly slowly and calmly and these words seem to calm her the slightest amount. "You're panicking, and you don't need to be," I say and we sit there, for minutes that feel like hours, until she's able to take a deep breath and release it without trembling. "You said you came to talk?" I ask and she nods, her head rubbing against my chest. "Just tell me what you would've said if you hadn't seen it," I say, desperate to move past this.

"I talked to someone today..."

"A therapist?" She nods.

"He um. Was very insightful. I...I hadn't realized that this whole time, I was operating as if you could read my mind, and I wasn't talking to you, so you were just left out of everything. And if I were you, I would've felt like..."

"It's okay, just get it out."

"I would have felt like you thought I was less important than everything else. I don't know what I'm doing, and it's all too much, and I wasn't talking to you about it," I can tell she's started crying again with the way her words get choked up. I rub her biceps with my hands, hoping it's encouragement enough.

"Reed. You can't blame yourself for everything," She tries to cut me off and I cover her mouth with my hand so that I can continue. "No, you can't. And you are. I didn't talk to you either. We both have our reasons. I'm scared, and it seems like you are too. But this is good. It's okay. We're okay," I breathe, feeling like I can settle for the first time in a while now that she's in my arms. I move my hand back to her arm.

"I have a lot of responsibilities. And I've been trying to take everything on without asking for help, without talking about it."

"I understand."

"I don't want to put these things on other people. On you," She says softly and I squeeze her.

"I know you don't, but you can. We're a team, you and I." She turns in my arms to look up at me and I see a hint of a smile. I missed that smile. I kiss her nose and she faces forward again.

"Talking like this is a little easier," She admits and I agree with a hum.

"I got that, the journal, so that I wasn't bottling everything up, but I should've just talked to you about it. Maybe we would've had this conversation sooner."

"I think it's good. Both that you have the journal and that we're talking now."

"Ask me to help you with something," I demand and she laughs.

"Can you help me make a list? Like a to-do list. Or a priority list. Talk to Farris at the top this time," She says, and the mood shifts.

"Of course, I can. What else is going on the list?"

"Talk to my coach. I don't think I can be the captain, but I don't want to give it up."

"What about talking to a school counselor. For your classes. They helped me arrange my classes around practices, maybe they can do the same for your other things. Or at least give you some advice," I offer and she nods.