WangXian Forever Book 9: The Flower Demon

Chapter 89 Support

Jiang Cheng gaped at him.

"I've never heard something so-"

"Wait..." XiChen covers his mouth so Jiang Cheng cannot say anything more. "I don't mean while we were growing up. I mean later on, after..." his voice falters. And then he makes himself braver. If he can't talk about this with his husband of all people, how does he expect it will go with his mother?

XiChen begins to pace slowly, lost in thought.

"What are you talking about?" Jiang Cheng asks him, not interrupting his feet.

"I made some bad decisions. Some worse than others, but more than anything else, I regret what I had to approve of, as Sect Leader. The Discipline Whip." He turns his miserable eyes up to Jiang Cheng. "If I could relive that day again, I would try my best to stop that from happening."

Jiang Cheng thinks hard before opening his mouth.

"I'm not going to tell you that you're being silly, because you're not. That was a harsh sentence. We heard about it later." His lips purse in troubled anxiety. "Regret is the little brother of hindsight. Don't we always think back to difficult situations in the past when we wish we could go back and change things? Change how we coped with fucking hard decisions? I dare anyone to put themselves in our places and go through everything we did, and then try to criticise whatever we did!"

Zidian crackles dangerously on his finger.

"I should have stood up for him." XiChen berates himself. "I should have protected him."

"If anyone knows how you're feeling right now, it's me." Jiang Cheng pulls him into his arms. "I am guilty of the same crimes. Back then, I didn't know what I had until I lost it." He's thinking about Wei WuXian and his pretended defection from the Jiang Sect.

"But," XiChen shakes his head, dislodging some of the tears that accumulated at the corners of his honey-coloured eyes. "How do we move on from that? It's too painful."

"It is." Jiang Cheng agrees. "But my mother didn't raise a coward, and I suspect that neither did yours. We made bad decisions back then, and I'm not about to blame my circumstances, nor anything else for them. I'm going to take responsibility for my own actions, and face them. I'm going to apologise to my brother, and then I'm going to try and make it up to him as best as I can. You can do that too." Jiang Cheng tells him with a confidence that he didn't know he had.

XiChen nods silently.

He had never noticed the guilt that stayed within him, for all this time. Like a scorpion in the corner of the room, and pretending to himself that it didn't exist.

Admitting it out loud made him feel lighter.

It was infinitely better.

"Are you ready to go back inside? Face them?" Jiang Cheng said with so much kindness that it brought tears to XiChen's eyes.

"Yes."

They held hands and returned to the Jingshi, where their brothers were waiting for them.

Wei Ying's smile was uncertain as they came inside.

And then he let out a yelp as Jiang Cheng hauled him up and embraced him tightly.

"You're an idiot and I love you, stupid." Jiang Cheng muttered.

There was the too-familiar sound of Bichen being unsheathed and Wei Ying quickly manoeuvred them so his back was closest to Lan Zhan.

"He's saying he's sorry," he hissed at his husband.

Both Jades wore a puzzled look.

But Wei Ying was all teary, and hugged him back.

"It's okay, and I love you, too," he choked out.

Lan Zhan's face remained impassive as he poured out fresh tea for everyone.

But his brother surprised him by saying, "Didi, I'm sorry, too."

Golden eyes rise up to hold a question within them.

"I'm sorry for not supporting you, when you returned from the Burial Mounds. I'm sorry for standing by and letting them harm you. I should have said something, tried to stop them, something, instead of standing there and letting it happen like that."

Lan Zhan carries on picking up his cup and drinking silently from it. His fingers tremble and he struggles with suppressing the motion.

It is incredibly hard to look at his brother right now.

That bleakest period in his life, Lan Zhan had never felt so alone before. Only the fire of his love had kept him alive, when he wished he could have joined his soulmate.

He doesn't know if he has what it takes to forgive his brother. Perhaps that will take time, but he can clarify something right now.

"Xiongzhang, as Sect Leader, the punishment whatever it was, was acceptable to me." His voice is deep and quiet, as he remembers how he felt, back then. "However harsh it was in severity weighed in exact measurement of the supposed crime of loving my soulmate. I did not care what they thought of myself or my actions. I would do it again."

There are audible gasps from the three people listening to him.

Wei Ying was hovering next to him, but at those words, he fell to his knees, hands covering his face. His sobs are silent, tears falling onto his robes.

"I was disappointed in Xiongzhang then." Lan Zhan continues. He does not want to make XiChen feel bad, but this is what he thinks. "Not for the punishment. But afterwards." He will not say anything more.

Suddenly, the Jingshi feels too small, the walls confining and suffocating.

Lan Zhan pushes away from the little table and walks out, using the back door that leads to their garden.

Out here, the cool breeze feels welcoming in a way that he sorely needed.

He knows his mother is close by, and he hopes Wei Ying will come out soon, so he can speak to her again.

It is easier not to think about the past.

In a way, he wishes XiChen hadn't brought it all up again, forcing him to think about things which should stay buried for now.