𝗔𝗹𝗹 𝗚𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗻 𝗘𝗻𝗱

Chapter 36: It should've been me

I lay in Js arms uncontrollably sobbing as his friends sit around us, all silently trying to figure a way to calm me down. I don't think Ive cried this much, felt this much emotion.

Both my friends dead. And its my fault.

Feeling as all their eyes land on me, I lift my head from his shoulder, looking around the chatue before I look up at J, "Im sorry." I sob.

Their faces contour into shock as I continue, "Im sorry for everything i put you through, for everything Im putting you through."

"Casey... no," Sarah coos, bringing her arms around me and J, "You're not putting us through anything."

"I just- I dont want you to get hurt like Blake and Elliot because of me." J opens his mouth to speak, "J, I know it's my fault."

"Cas-" I stand up, pushing myself away from him on shaking knees as I walk towards the bedroom we normally share, "Night." I say before closing the door behind me.

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I lay in bed, allowing the headache slowly to swallow me up, covering my shaking body with a blanket. It feels as though the room has turned to ice, leaving me shivering in the dark bedroom.

I watch as my hands begin to shake more intensely, almost reaching out for drugs themselves. Then it hits me, drug withdrawal.

My body aches for them and I wish that the pouges could just tie me down and leave me, leave me until Im okay. Until Im cured from this sickness.

The sickness which caused my friends deaths. I caused their deaths.

I began to feel as though the world would crumble around me, suffocating me in my own mind as I realised, I wouldnt ever get to see my Blake or Elliot again. Snapping out of my thoughts, I realise that my legs had led me back into the living room.

I want to stop; I really did but I needed them. "May?" Sarah slowly stands, cautiously walking over to me as she notices the need in my face- John B and J quickly stood behind her.

"Where is everyone?" I ask noticing the silence that filled the air, panic filling me at their disappearance. Instead, Sarah reaches me, her hands grazing my shoulders, feeling as though fire had spread through me, I push her away and into Js arms, "Get the fuck off!"

"Casey. Its okay, its okay. They've just gone home." Sarah speaks slowly, fear not showing on her face as she watches me, like she did before with worry.

"No, no, it's not okay, Cam." I cry, "I need them."

I try to walk to the door, but J blocks my exit, tears slowly filling his eyes as he watches me slowly fall apart at the loss of the drugs. "J." I warn him.

"Im sorry, C." I try to push through him, trying to make my way past him but he stays where hes stood, looking me in the eye, "Casey, Im not letting you leave. Not like this."

My feelings pinwheel out of control, assaulting me with their wildness. I'm afraid. I'm angry. I'm angry with myself for being afraid. I punch his chest, anger filling me as my need for the drug takes over my body. Hands soon wrap around my waist, lifting me away from J as John B picks my screaming and withering form up.

I shake in need as he puts me down, away from the door, facing my three friends. John B looking exhausted turns to Sarah as she once again walks towards me, sadness now filling her eyes. She reaches for me again but I back away. I couldnt let her feel the anger and pain radiating of me.

I had so much fury inside me, I felt as though I might burst into flames.

I wanted to break something. I wanted to do something that would hurt. I wanted to punch a mirror to see the glass shatter and fracture until it looked the way I felt. I wanted her knuckles to split and bleed and to feel the pain in my bone, through my palms and into my wrists. I was desperate to feel something other than the emotional agony I felt I was drowning in.

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