˗ˏˋ ꒰𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐓𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐒𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐰꒱ ˎˊ˗

✧ ೃ𝐓𝐨 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐓𝐨 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐞*ੈ✩

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟑: 𝐓𝐨 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐓𝐨 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐞

˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗

Lucy and Yukino were sleeping, and I was laying here finding a way to get the hell out of this magic cancelling chains. It seems that whenever I use my own ancient gravity manipulating power it activates and the chains burn me, but if I time it right my healing abilities can combat the burn as I rip away at the chains. 

It's been about a day, and I haven't come to terms with my charges.

I haven't a clue about whose dreams I tore to shreds, of families I broke apart and of villages I demolished with no traces left behind. I can't remember, despite ripping my own memory apart to find something, anything. I came up blank, multiple times. The more times I searched and came empty, the stronger my guilt grew. 

To slaughter thousands, maybe even millions of innocent people and get away with it.. to forget it even happened. I am no human, I never was human. I'm the harbinger of all that is unholy, a reaper of death and I have incurred an impossible debt upon myself. 

My own death, as impossible as it may be, is a rightful punishment for what I've done. 

The mark on my thigh burns with worry, and I manage to look down. It's been doing that, I bet Rogue could feel how I felt.. the shame, the regret, the disgust. He was probably worried, little did he know who he was worrying about. His mate, his god forsaken mate, his immortal mate who would soon die or outlive him. I can't believe that only a few hours ago I believed I had the right to live, to love these selfless men.

I didn't deserve them, I didn't deserve anything.. all that time I spent carving a life out for myself, wasted. 

"Y/N! Lucy!" 

I spun to see Natsu, Mira and Wendy beaming at me from the other side of the bars. I yearned to return their smiles, but I looked away. 

"Get them out, they've been in here long enough." 

"What the hell are you talking about? You're coming with us." Natsu snapped, his eyes narrowing as he focused on me, and used his powers to break open the bars, "Why the hell haven't you broken out yet, you could've done that forever ago and helped us and Lucy out." He leaned down to rid me of the chains, and I moved away from him.

"I'm not coming, whatever the hell they've got planned for me, it's well deserved." I responded, my eyes and voice vacant of anything. Wendy walked over, sitting in front of me with eyes wide with worry. 

"Y/N, they plan to kill you.." She whispered, her voice breaking as she reaches for my cold hand. 

"And what of it?" 

The room grew tense, and I felt two extra pairs of eyes pause and look at me, Lucy and Yukino were now awake.

"You're not dying, now get the hell up." Natsu shrugged it off, he continued to grab the chains and ripped them apart until I could move again. I didn't get up though, I sat there and looked down. 

"Y/N, you can't possibly believe that you really did all that? That wasn't.. you." Lucy's voice cracked as she tried to reason with me, and I couldn't bring myself to look at them. 

"It was me, that damn dragon recognized me so it wasn't as if I were reincarnated, "I looked down at my hands, which were snug in my leather gloves, "There was a point in time where these hands took lives, and these hands are still drenched in the blood of innocents.. of innocents I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER THE NAMES OF!"