Runaways

Chapter 28

Yoenjun's POV

I crash. Right on the ground where I could only hope for the floor to open up and swallow me. It doesn't, so all I can do is blink, feeling my mind trying to reboot, to go back a few seconds ago, but it can't. I seat there, confused. I try to utter a word, but words fail me.

Nick rushes to my side and helps me up, and with his help, I can stand and I start taking tiny steps inside the room, hoping that it's not true, that it's all a lie, that dad is okay, and the world will fall in perfect harmony in just a few seconds from now.

He is okay...

My dad is okay, I keep telling myself as I take more steps towards the bed, my heart beating too loud for my body, my anxiety levels increasing with each step I take, and when I get to the foot of the bed, my dad is just laying there. His eyes closed, his chest no longer pounding, and for the first time, my eyes filled my tears.

I try to blink them away, but they end up falling.

"No," my lips tremble.

"No," I utter again, shaking my head.

This is not true. My dad is okay, he is.

"Appa?" (Dad?) I choke, trying to form the most basic word this man taught me when I was just a little human.

"Appa, il-eonaseyo." (Dad, wake up) I add.

"Jebal, jebal il-eonaseyo," (please, please wake up)  my voice trembles, afraid that if I come closer, the more real it's gonna be.

"Appa,"(dad) I walk to the side of him. When I am closer to him, I slowly reach out to take his hand, and just like that, memories of the many times Dad offered me his hand to take into his when I failed, when I was delighted, mad, bothered, lacking, frightened, or even when I didn't want too, every time he did, it always bought a touch of home, his fragrance, his love and his assurance that he could, and would always take care of me.

Yes, he was a traditional man, but he was my Appa, and he was always there to give me his hand, and always, his hand had the protection I needed.

Even when I was about to get married, he still offered me his hand to walk me down the aisle, patting it tinyly as we both took those tiny long strides towards the altar.

This time, this one time, I want him to take it so badly to prove that he is okay, but he doesn't. Instead, I take his hand with both my hands, close my eyes, pulling it closer to my chest and silently, I pray.

"Appa, jebal il-eonaseyo" (Dad, please wake up) I beg, kissing his hand and silently apologizing to him, telling him that I get the picture, that he should wake up now. 

 I apologize for all that I've been doing in the last 24 hours, all that I could have changed when I had time, for all that I wanted different, I just stand there, kissing his hand, wanting a chance. A chance for him to hear my apology. Even if it's for a second, a moment, for him to hear me say 'I am sorry', to right my wrong and to go home with me, and Yoonie and mom.

Yoonie turns her gaze from my mom and  looks at me with my most accusing face I've ever seen.

"Naega malhaetjjana unnie,"(I told you sister) her voice cracks, "jibe orago haetjjanayo." (I told you to come home) She shakes her head, standing up with our mom whom is just in a stoic gaze, tears just endlessly falling. Nick takes her to his side as soon as they are up. 

My heart though confused, hurt, when I see my mom, everything in me scatters. My umma, my good friend, is broken. I cannot help fix her. I took away what she held closest to her heart and I crushed her soul when all she wanted was for me to be happy. She lost the love of her life because of me. Because of my selfishness, my umma is hurting. 

Everything in me crashes. Whatever lies I was telling myself for a few seconds that my dad was okay, when I looked at my mom, I understood then that it's over. My dad is really gone. The man that I've known my whole life is gone, and it's because of me. 

All because of me.

"Geuleonde wae?" (but why?) she yells at me for the first time in her entire life. "Wae deutjji aneusyossoyo?" (why didn't you listen?)  she whispers, her voice cracking.

  "Wae unnie, wae?" (Why sister, why?) She comes closer and when she is close enough, she pushes me and I let her.

"Mianhe," (I am sorry) I am finally able to utter in a whisper, just standing there, the room in a wail and I can't stop but hear Yoonie's words ringing in my ear, telling me to come home.

"Mianhe," (I am sorry) I repeat.

"Jinjja, mianhe Yoonie." (I am truly sorry Yoonie)

"Get out," She softly whispers. "Jebal, just please go," she points at the door.

"Yoongi," Nickolas tries to stop her.

"Nick not now please," she stops him.

"She is your sister," he adds.

"A sister who should have listened!" she now turns towards him. "A sister, if she really is my unnie, would have just come home,"

Before Nick can add anything, I try to wipe my tears but fail and I start to walk out. When I reach my mom and Nick, I stand in front of her but her eyes are not looking at me, but her husband.

"Umma, mianhe," I apologize before I head out. She doesn't reply but just continues to look at her husband, tears still falling. I try to wipe her tears, but they still fall. A minute later, I am still trying to make them stop, whilst mine cloud my vision.

"Unnie," my sister calls out and I stop, and this time I wipe mine away and I take a deep breath. I look back at my dad just one more time, hoping that he would wake up, and the doctors would walk in and say it was a false alarm, but he doesn't even move an inch, doesn't even try to give me false hope. 

"Appa," I utter. "Mianhe. Jinjja mianhe," I close my eyes, look up, and try to even my breathing. When I feel stable enough to walk, I start. 

Every step I take, leaving and going into the world feels like I am being stripped of the rights and the privileges of being a Kim. It feels like I am giving up on Mom, my dad, my sister and I am giving up on this beautiful treasure we have created for our family. This space that was a haven to me feels like it's fading into thin air the further I moved away from them.

When I am out the door, I fall, feeling every emotion clench my chest and my breathing gets choked by the silent wailing of a broken girl. A girl that should have come home. I started coughing whilst crying loudly, and for the first time, I feel alone, cold, weird, and empty. 

I should have come home...

I know I should have...

I should have listened, I shouldn't have been too much of a woman, I think to myself, this one time, I shouldn't have been so hell-bent on keeping my promise and sticking to my decision. This one time, just like all the other times, I should have listened to my dad, Merc, and my sister, I should have.

I just should have...

***

My beautiful readers.

I've come back due to certain summons. Although I am all over the place, Miss Mam never misses summons. This one goes to that dear reader (minnette16) who reminded me of what I once loved in the world, creating worlds.