The Quiet One

the bad feelling

it had been a couple of weeks since pre-season had started, and I was travelling down to camp for England for the two matches against Czechia and the USA. Elija was now three months old and was growing a lot he was kicking and wiggling more, and he is trying to lift his head when his is on my belly, but he is not there yet.

we had just been dropped off and I had the suitcase and Elijas folded pram in the other and Eli in his car carrier in one, I had someone come help me and the media people where videoing.

"Hey guys" I said.

"Hey Jae, how are you and little Elija" he asked.

"Very tired we are very tired" I laughed and walked in to be greeted by Sarina.

"Hello jae nice to see you" she said.

"Nice to see you two" I said.

"how's our number 1 supported" she said, and I held up the carrier to see him wide awake.

"he's good sleeping isn't easy at the minute but he's still a happy little body" I said as Sarina played with his feet.

"So here is your schedule and your room key and you are with Leah she is already here" Sarina said, nodded, and walked up towards the rooms, I opened the door to see Leah setting up the bed for Elija.

"Hey gorgeous" I said, and she jumped turning around.

"Hey, I got the cot set up for him" she said.

"Thank you" I said kissing her head and got him out of his carrier and straight into Leahs arms. I started to unpack both our stuff whilst Leah and Elija had a moment together. by the time everything was set up it was time to go downstairs for tea. I had Eli in one hand and his bottle in the other as we walked into the hall to get some food, it was going to be a busy night as after tea we had a meeting with everyone to go over everything.

we all got some food and sat around in our own little groups and started eating. there were some fresh faces to the squad this camp with both Jill and Ellen retiring you could tell the difference in the squad, but we still had a solid bunch.

after eating I fed Elija since he was starting to get fussy, he took the bottle and fell asleep instantly.

"Hey Jae" I heard someone say my name.

I looked up and say that it was one of the younger once Ebony.

"yeah" I asked.

"How do you handle being a parent and being in football you know I've seen videos and you just seem so calm and like I don't know really" she asked.

"well I mean I'm lucky he's a good kid and believe me I am never calm especially match days I am shitting myself it's hard to juggle it all and its easier now that I'm not in the biggest competition of my career but I have the girls it's not all bad" I said.

"what's the hardest part" she asked.

"hearing him cry when I'm playing you know lots of people can't tell that he's crying with it being so loud but I know his cry and it kills me knowing I can't run over and yeah its hard but he's always in good hands" I said and they nodded thinking about my answer.

we had all finished eating and Sarina started to talk to us all discussing the next couple of days and the match with the US that was happening in 4 days. after the little chat we all made our way upstairs all tired after a long day of travelling.

*4 days later*

it was the day of the USA match and today was busy and very tiring and the match had not even started yet. my day started at 3am walking across the bottom floor as Elija was screaming and then when he stopped refusing to sleep, then for the rest of the day until getting ready for warm up was just unmanageable.

we were now walking out to go warm up and I was on the starting eleven group, so I knew that I had to really perform today with playing such a good team like the USA and playing against some talented players like Rapinoe for example with such experience.

whilst I was warming up, I had a bad feeling, and I did not know why me game was off, and I knew it was only going to get worst from this point. I looked up to the stands and say Leah waving at me with Elija in her arms and talking to her mum, I waved back and gave her a little smile and went back to warming up. once warmups were finally over it was time to show that we can beat the USA and we had potential in the world cup next summer.

we were stood ready to go out and I was in between lucy and Keira and lucy put her hands on my shoulder and whispered in my ear "hey you okay."

"I have a bad feeling about this match, and I don't know what it is" I said.

"Hey, don't worry we will get through it together okay we will fight nothing bad is going to happy" she said.

"okay" I said in a whisper trying to believe her, but my gut and head was too loud.

we walked out to an amazing atmosphere Wembley filled with supporters and just looking around the fear and bad feeling left most of my body, as normal we sung the national anthem with pride shook hands with everyone and then we got started. the first 10 minutes were amazing and I was running down the left hand side and shot it from just in front of the half way line and it flew, I was expecting it to go to one of the other girls but it had other ideas and went straight into the back of the goal with ease everyone on both sides stood to shock to speak and after that one second everyone erupted like an explosion all the girls came running over screaming as I stood there shocked not being able to comprehend that goal,

"Holy shit you are a miracle Jae black" Georgia said kissing my head.

"I just did that what the fuck I just did that "I said, and all the girls laughed and continued to cheer.

we continued an a high with the goal confidence running throughout our veins and desperation in wanting a second and a third and a fourth goal we wanted it all.

as the time wet on our high fell as the US was able to get a goal us both equalising, but that didn't stop us not one second we still had time to win, and we had an opening when we were given a penalty for a silly and careless mistake that was made by the opposing team and we all stood behind the box waiting patiently waiting for Georgia to kick the ball, once that ball left her foot I knew and it did ripple the back of the net with ease, and in that moment we were winning once again as we all celebrated at the outcome that this game was coming to, however we couldn't get our hopes up as we had another half left and moments later the whistle blew and we all walked back to the tunnel smiles on our faces and on the opposing team looks of determination as we all knew that both the teams would fight to the last second to win this game it might be a friendly match but that meant nothing.

as Sarina talked about our weak spots from the match and what needs to be done to secure the back line so they couldn't get through, I looked at the floor thinking, that bad feeling slowly crept bac knowing that something was going to happen we had already got some yellow cards and as I said the USA was going to do anything to win and I didn't know how much they would do to get that win.

as I was thinking I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I looked up to see all the girls gone and it was just me and Sarina in the changing rooms.

"Come on superstar you have goals to score" she said a large smile on her face as I nodded and got out of my seat and walked out onto the field as the second half started.

it was a good first ten minutes as we had a lot of possession, and we were going up the pitch fast and hard. it ended up with us having a corner and we were ready prepared to get a third goal. the ball as kicked, and everyone jumped and what felt like a stud form a boot connected with my face and I fell hard knocking me out cold.