The Monster In Black - Bill Kaulitz

Love letters

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We were all in pure shock. Bill called Lilly "Meine Frau", which only me, Gustav and Georg understood. I've never EVER heard my brother say something like this. The three of us looked at each other, the air in the room got warmer, the pain grow. Lilly was looking at us, almost crying, did she understood what he said? Everything went through my mind faster and faster every second. We were all silent, only steps coming from upstairs were able to be heard. I stood up and rushed out of the room and thanks God i did. Bill was covered in blood from head to toes, holding a gun and knife in both hand.

"The fuck Bill don't go in! You want to scare the shit out of them or?" I yelled, but all i got was cold, emotionless look.

"What happened?" I asked, scared for the answer.

"I need you to help me clean up, now" he turned around and started walking back upstairs. I closed the door shut and sighed.

The moment we took a step into the bedroom, i
saw the real hell. All my life i have been doing things like that, but this..i haven't seen such a scene, i haven't expected it from my own twin brother . I wanted to vomit, the smell, the look was so disturbing and disgusting and trust me i have seen a lot.

Karla was laying on the floor, near the bed. Her eyes were open, her legs had holes from the bullets and her neck cut in half. The blood was everywhere, the knife Bill hold was already on the floor. I looked at him, but he was already looking at me. I wanted to say something but i couldn't, just like he was staying quiet while i was killing other people but he liked it and now i didn't like this. Now i felt it, the freezing, disturbing and uncomfortable feeling.

"I told you long ago, love hurts and that is why you should not let it control you. But look at me, i did let it. I let my feeling take control over me." He smiled, but with emotionless smile. I was so fucking anxious.

"Love is real when you realise that you are doing things like this to prevent losing the person that you love. This is love, cruel love, but real one. But Bill we don't do "this" for love, and look at you - you did it exactly for that. Tell me Bill, tell me; do you love her?" I was frustrated by him but maybe this was his faith. He look at me with watery eyes, keeping his cold face. I knew the truth , i fucking did. The reason why i wanted him to admit it, is because he would be relieved. He started looking down and mumbling.

"I can't help it Tom..i can't" he started crying, last time i was him cry was when our grandma passed away, 13 years ago. My brother, my poor brother. I hugged him and dried his eyes just like them we were younger, back to back, brother to brother.

"It's okay Bill, its okay" i tried to calm him down. Now i was sure, he wasn't okay.

Time ago, months before he met Lilly, Bill was taking drugs regularly. At first he was fine, every one of us was fine. But he started taking them everyday, every 3 hours, every 30 minutes. Then i had to talk with him about it and he stopped. But now i felt like his mental health was ruined and he needed it, badly. I thought about it for a second, but i decided to leave this decision to him.

"Come on, went clean this mess up" he nodded. I could see how disappointed he was of himself, but at the same time happy that Lilly was okay and that Karla can not hurt her anymore.

We got some trash bags, put the corpse in and cleaned the mess, only me and him. Spending time only with Bill doesn't happen often. He was my only real family after all, except Georg and Gustav which for me were also a family. After we were ready, we went out on the balcony and lit up a cigarette. We smoke since we were 12 so it was not something new. He was okay now, his eyeshadow was blurred and his voice still had the sadness that it had earlier.

"So, what are you going to tell her" i let myself to ask.

"The truth. But not now, i don't want her to see that side of me. Or the..other one" he looked at the sky, puff out.

"Okay. Take your time, be careful" i smiled, he as well. Honestly i am nothing without him, he was my right arm, we are a pair. As the older brother, i am the happiest person alive to have him and i wanted the best for him.

"I will leave you now. If you need anything-"

"I will call you, yes" he added and i nodded.

*Bill's POV*

I felt strange, like it wasn't me. All i was thinking about was her - her and only her. I needed to hold her, i wanted her to know that i wanted her. So many faces from my past returned. But there was another lesson to learn yet - to never fall in love. I was going to learn it the hard way i guess. I heard my heart burst again. Oh lord. I wanted to see her beautiful haze eyes and touch her long dark blonde hair. I wanted to hear her voice, i wanted to hear her arguing with me and then laughing with me, watching the waves in the ocean crash on the rocks. The one thing we have in common was the ocean, her eyes looked like the ocean. Her voice just like the sound of summer morning, if you can get my point. I went back to black..

"Ich brauche sie so sehr, Gott" i mumbled to myself.

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