The Monster In Black - Bill Kaulitz

The first stage of grief

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I could smell the smell of toast as if it was getting made under my nose. I don't remember the last i had breakfast. Also i was wondering who was cooking after Karla was no longer here. Bill wasn't next to me and i guess him. It was early in the morning, around 7:30 am. I got dressed and met up with Charlotte in the hallway.

"Lilly" she said, "Can we talk in private later?"

"Yes, of course" i replied, rubbing my eyes "Is there something wrong?"

She didn't answer. Just walk pass me. What? I wasn't sure what happened. I said "Bye" and walked down the stairs. No one was in the living room, i wasn't able to hear any voices. What that some kind of prank? The only thing that i could hear was the sound of someone staking plates in the kitchen. I thought it was Bill so i went in to talk to him, it was Gustav instead.

Me and Gustav didn't usually talk. I wasn't sure if he liked me, but he never said anything bad for or at me. And trust me if he wanted to, he would. The way he talked to Jade was so disturbing and disrespectful at times. I didn't know what to say at first. He was holding a frying pan and a spatula in both hands.

"Oh, Lilly" he said "You looking for something?" he asked.

"No, i thought you were Bill" i replied, "Where is everyone thought?"

"Well" he sighed and put the stuff he was holding down, "They went out to continue some unfinished stuff. Here, Bill told me to make you this. He said it was your favourite" he gave a plate with a toast and tomatoes. I look at him and smile.

"And don't worry, it's not poisoned" he laughed, "Bill would kill me", not really funny in my opinion.

"Thanks" i forced a laugh, "Um, can i ask you a question?" He nodded.

"Is there a reason why you treat me differently?" i asked.

He looked cold and i probably stunned him with my question.

"Look" he began, "Bill is the leader of our gang and most importantly my friend. If he wants me to be good with you, i will. If he care - i care. He has my back and i got his. And since you mean that much to him, i will be by your side." I surely didn't expect me being meaningful to Bill. Since he trapped me here i am not so sure he wants me to be happy anyway.

"But why only me? What about the others?"
i asked.

"Usually no one cares about the minions. You are the only exception we have ever had and i don't even know why. Lilly, you are special to him and not many people can say that. Stop caring about the others, be grateful you are still alive" he said in serious tone. The ironic thing was that i eventually ended up here because i care about my friends and i wanted to make sure they were okay. At one point he was right but if i didn't care about them, i would be at home, probably reading a book right now.

I just nod and stare at him.

"Go and eat your breakfast. It's going to get cold" he turned around and stepped out of the kitchen. I was standing in the middle of the room, holding a plate and just staring at one point. Was he trying to tell me that Bill actually had something for me? All the time, i was thinking was that he was nice to me, because i was here only for a month. But having a thing for me? Pff, i am way too delusional. I don't like Bill, he kidnapped me and i almost got killed because of him. Trust me if i had a chance to go back home, i would take it.

I was eating my food and listening to "Hit me baby one more time" by Britney Spears, that was playing on the radio. I heard the front door opening and then closing. That meant that Gustav was gone. I thought about what Cho has told me earlier, it was time to go and talk to her. I wasn't sure if it was something bad or good.

I washed my plate and went upstairs. I went into her's and Tom's room. She was tidying up.

"Hey" i said, "Do you want to talk now"

She nodded.

"What's up?" i sat on the chair next to the door. She put her clothes down, close the door and turn to me.

"Do you know what might've happened if Bill saw you the other night?" She said angrily.

"What happened? I can not remember." i looked at her, lying of course.

"Don't play it stupid Lilly. I saw you literally kissing that boy! Were you out of your mind?" She yelled at me. It was so loud that i heard echo somehow.

"Stop yelling! I didn't kiss him, he kissed me! And that is none of your business, how do you even know?" I whispered angrily.

"It doesn't matter! I saw you and you didn't even pull back! Don't you feel even a little bit guilty about it? What about Bill?" She continued yelling.

"And why would i care about Bill? Why would i feel bad about my kidnapper? I don't want to do anything with him!" I stood up and got closer.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you here? Just go back home if you want so bad!" she said.

"Trust me, if i was able to i would. I don't understand why you think that Tom is in love with you? He literally calls you a minion and threats you like one! Get yourself together! They are a gang, not some idiots form college." I said back. I could see how disturbed she was with my statement. But deep inside i am sure she knew that i was right. Tom didn't treat her like how Bill treated me. Probably she was annoyed by that.

"Stop saying that! Just because he doesn't show it doesn't mean it's not true. You aren't even a little grateful how Bill treats you and how he always stands up for you. I don't understand how you might not love him?" She almost cried. I felt bad but i had to tell her the truth. She was lying to herself so badly, thinking that murder like Tom would love her.

"Charlotte, listen to me. I am here not because i want Bill or any of those killers here. I wanted to make sure you guys are okay, but then he decided to take me here without my desire. I will stand here by your side and try to help you! You don't listen, you never do! I tried and i will continue trying, for your own good!" i yelled. She just started at me with tears in her eyes.

"I don't need your help. I am okay. Hana and Jade are okay. You are the problem here. Stop pretending like you give a shit about us and go away!" she replied. Now i wasn't expecting that. At first i decided to leave but i stopped for a second.

"If that is really what you want, i respect it. But don't look up for me later, because you will realise what you just did." I left the room. I couldn't believe it.

Denial.
Oh, denial.

Now i lost my best friend. Over those people who didn't even matter. I hoped she would understand me but now, every hope that i had just fainted.

I close myself into my room. I laid on the bed, crying. Crying over a person who i wasted years and years on. She was like my sister. The person who i was always able to share with, talk with about anything. The great memories we had, the conversations we used to have, the laughs. I remember the promise we made - to stay friends forever and to make our kids best friends. To live close to each others so we can always be there, be ready to help even in the worst situation. Now i had no one. I am on my own. And probably i did that myself. Sometimes i wonder - what would have happened if we never went to that restaurant. I wonder if it wasn't my birthday that day. Now i hated my birthday, the worst day of my life.

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