The Knives of My Mind

" When it terrifies you. "

I guess if I took time to really think about it, I've never really felt true fear. I've felt along the lines of it.
It wasn't until we were turning off our classroom lights, barricading the door, that the fear hit, I admit.
And we all thought it was fine, that it could possibly be a sick joke, but it was the staff's yelling voice, my teacher's petrified face, that we realized we were in for it, no time to quit.
We hid, and seconds felt like hours and mere moments felt like hours.
Beep... beep... beep. The intercom comes on. "Code red! This is code red! Everyone close and lock your doors! There is a shooter on campus!"
Undying fear swelled in my heart, dread filled my thoughts, and terror filled my lungs, all of sudden losing my breath.

He's been apprehended, captured in my throat, yet I'm frightened for my life. Lunch isn't the normal vibe.
The fear quelling in my body now replaced with an overwhelming sense of anxiousness. I was terrified, not just "fine".
Everyone looked forward to lunch, everyone ready to eat. Now, everyone is scared to even move out of the classroom.
We used to wait for that clock to hit 12:59 pm, and now we dreaded it.
Everyone became frantic, some worried, some crying, and most leaving. The stress, the worry, undeniably in the air as they fear for their lives.

The feeling in the air is different now. Doesn't feel the same anymore. It feels like it's finals week but with a sense of discomfort and scrambled thoughts.
The air is tense and heavy, kids no longer showing up in class, all classes practically empty and only a couple students in each class. Twelve max instead of the usual thirty.
We loved lunch, loved being at school for our friends and now some don't want to come back.
The air has never felt so heavy, so full of uncertainty and worry.

When children thought life was good, they hated school but they hated it for the stress and work.
Now, it's full of despair, dread, and hatred. The vibe is never the same, kids distraught; unparalleled.

____________________

Author's Note: Yes, this did actually happen at my school. This happened on May 18th, and I wrote of my experience and feeling about it on the 19th. This issue really scared me and for a while I was very nervous to come to school. I shut down that day, my leg was bouncing, my mind racing and overthinking, and I cried a couple times. I thought my school was out of the way of these kinds of things but we are not. We were lucky someone at school saw the perpetrator and hid in the bathroom and called the police before things got too heated / bad. 

As a writer, I know this kind of thing is very controversial and I'm now using my platform to speak out on it as I've finally healed from the situation as it hurt me a lot. Though my class nor was I in the same room as the suspect, it affected me just as much as if I was. I would like everyone to know to stay safe, protect themselves, and make sure to look out for everyone around you. Classmates, friends, co-workers, clients, anything. We have to stay together! Anyways, have a good day everyone.