The Knives of My Mind

" My price of judgment. "

As one lay with their own blissful thoughts, they are often cornered by the ones they ought to avoid.
They frequently relinquish themselves to the callousness of self hatred and project it onto that of their peers.
One thing they ought to learn is how to cease such carelessness and embrace what it is that they hate.
People before have said things to hurt such euphoric individuals such as myself, but there's a hard shell that must be cracked first.
As the harsh words of what they said come to settle in my mind, the words said by those you love, become silenced.

As I feel myself being destroyed by what I had clasped in my hands as a way of escape, I can only imagine what it's like to feel nothing but joyous. It was something I had longed for, even though it was something I hadn't yet obtained.
Feelings are the mere idea that your body can feel something outside of the everyday loop of boring thoughts and actions.
Through these "feelings" one comes up with the idea that they have more than what they can give.
This leads to someone giving up all that they are for the better of someone else, losing themselves in the process.
They say things that they normally wouldn't mean. They do things they wouldn't normally choose to do.

As I sit here with these scanty thoughts and renounce the notion that my feelings control my actions, I succumb to these negative emotions regardless.
I've made so many poor decisions over the course of my life, and meeting a person like who destroys you form the inside out was the worst mistake I've ever made.
There can be many good moments, but they can also be arguably worse ones than the good ones.
You say things you wouldn't normally say, desperately trying to tear the other person apart for the selfish purpose of watching them crumble.
This person could very well be your best friend that you just feel like you can't say no to. That's what gets good people caught in something that demolishes them.
These words of atonement being completely silenced by the brutal thoughts of judgment.

The feeling of being loved and cared for was never something I wanted to pay attention to for it is something unbeknownst to me.
I've needed someone to help me through the pain of life, someone to piece me back together when I've lost myself.
Someone that has a map of every piece of me that I've lost and is willing to help me repair.
Finding someone in life prepared to do that is hard and I have my doubts that I"ll never be able to find that.
It's hard when you become more independent, relying on one's own judgment of others to bring comfort to things they never had. But I guess that's the price someone like me has to pay. My price... of judgment.