The Knives of My Mind

" The price I pay. "

As I lay in my bed and relish in the pain that was caused from my heart becoming undyingly attached to someone,
I lay with the agony that lay beside me and savor the perpetual suffering that is love.
Love was never meant to be something of pure bliss and that's the torture in which I face everyday.
I sit with conflicting emotions and treat myself like an animal, pushing my emotions down a thin, steel pipe.
I allow it to take me over and pang me and play with me like a toy. It tears away at what's left of my emotions.

Determined to show how I've grown, I put myself out there, just to be slammed back into the same cycle.
Nothing I do ever amounts to what I had envisioned before as I settle myself beneath an imperishable affliction.
Have I told someone about the pain in which I sustain from the abysmal agony of ceaseless love and hope?
You were the one that had tied me together, and it was the same person that tore me completely apart.
I've learned many lessons over the course of my life, and not a single one has prepared me for this.

You have taught me something I didn't think I'd have to live through, something I never thought I had to learn the lesson for.
You showed me something that made me realize that you were the obstacle that I had tried so desperately to avoid.
As conflict was my biggest fear, yet with you, it made me realize it was just that, that you had yearned for.
You enjoyed watching the misery that consumed my features, enjoyed watching me break before you.
You craved to see the torment you caused me, calling me to make sure I knew how worthless I really was.

I had always loved you despite you showing me nothing but hatred. I wanted you to know that I cared, even though you didn't.
I wanted to see that if I had showed you an ounce of my devotion that you would share even the slightest with me.
But it was when you saw my most vulnerable moment and decided to take advantage of it; laughing at my dejection.
You took my happiness and stripped it away from me. You tore away the one thing I had left in my grasp.
I clasped it tightly, as I frantically tried to stop you from taking it with force, you ignored me and purloined it anyway.

Although I never found out what had compelled you to do this, I allowed it to happen regardless.
I threw away my respect for myself as I gave every bit and piece of me to you and you destroyed it instantly.
When did you feel like I was worthy of being exploited? What part of me was so horrible that you couldn't stand it?
I loved you with everything I had. Everything I had to give, I gave it. I looked at you with such love.
You never returned the feeling however. You only looked at me with detestation and disgust.
You were the one I had longed for all those years ago, someone I thought I deserved.
But I guess this is what a murderer deserves, for it's only my fault. And it's the price that I pay.