The Knives of My Mind

" When you can't feel. "

The feeling of a never ending pit of guilt, shame, worry, an unyielding encumbrance.
What does a person who's conflicting feelings reside within the undying shame they feel?
When the pain of hurting those you once loved hits you like a three hundred pound truck?
When the shame from what once was and what can never be, becomes too much?
As someone whose emotions are completely strewn across a battlefield, emotions never taut.
I am one who feels immense, indescribable pain at prodigious and anguished times.
Emotions were never easy to feel and they are definitely not easy to understand.
Emotions raging at a million miles an hour, unable to be quelled, or not running at all.
A profound feeling, like that of a cup that never gets filled, or rather, a bottomless pit of empty.
A sentiment unbeknownst to the naked eye as you can never know what someone is truly going through.
A grievous war. An impossible path to never be truly understood. A goal that was never achievable.
From those who love us, they try to desperately help us find ourselves when we have lost all that we are.
Sometimes, love isn't even in the question and it's more of, "When does the endless cycle of nonexistent emotions stop?"
I've always struggled to find the strength to breathe, the strength to speak up, say "No," set boundaries; impossible.
Never being able to find the will to discover our own words, the strength to believe we could "do it."
An endless agony who's path feels more like a combat zone rather than a place of warmth and comfort.
Someone whose battle is hard to describe, can be closer to that of self destruction, self-sabotage— desolation.
I know that everyone's struggles are different, no story read aloud is the same; every story has a different narrator.
Pain is as draining as it is beautiful. Something so gorgeous can be torn to pieces in seconds with no remorse.
Although I've always taken pain as something to hide from, not acknowledge, I know now it's something I can't get rid of.
I've always cherished the feeling of emptiness despite it absolutely ravaging me and the emotions I thought I knew.
It has never been easy to fight in a world that knows no bounds, a world who's primary objective is to destroy.
Life is precious and sometimes our pain blinds our eyes from the beauty that it can be.
If it was ever too much, someone keen to destruction, would take up a chance to destroy themselves, faster than running.
Time ticks slow making death scary, far away, distant and adrift. Something that we dread but embrace other times.
People can fight valiantly and try to escape the egregious path of thoughts and feelings that are completely marring.
As sometimes battles are never meant to be ones we can fight. Sometimes we must retreat, back to the endless cycle of nothing, dying, and unendurable.
Battles are hard and can tear you apart, limb from limb, never granting any repentance.
In the end, we are all fighting battles of our own, and sometimes those battles can't be won.