The Knives of My Mind

" All to ignore you. "

I was stupid to think I could find someone who's laugh was as pretty as a loner eclipse, to captivate me until time end.
When did we lose the spark we once had? What caused our love to leave? Why are you the one I so hopelessly defend?
I thought maybe... just maybe... you could be the one as soft as a cloud but as mean as daggers when you held me.
I tried to get rid of the feeling of belonging. I so deeply didn't want to get used to the feeling of actually being cared for.
When you become addicted to something that doesn't belong to you, it's hard to let go. But I should've known.
I should have known you'd never actually like me despite being "cared" for.

All the songs I had avoided, all the shows I refused to watch, all the things I hated looking at, yet you were the one I couldn't keep my eyes off of. The one my mind wouldn't stop wondering and thinking about.
I became addicted to the feeling of being genuinely loved, being adored with so much passion. I was so clueless.
I'm usually smarter, I'm usually aware of my feelings and how people made me feel... not you. You blinded me.
Even though I've never learned to truly love myself, I thought you could show me how... Why is love so ruthless?
You were the second person I got into my mind that I would wake up to, the one I'd marry, something I thought was special, special to us.

When I had figured you were never going to allow yourself to love me, that it was going to be "forced" love, I gave up.
I couldn't bear to put myself through that. That's another kind of heartache, something that makes you feel full, and now it just feels like I'm holding an empty cup.
Every love I've ever felt, fills it and then the next minute, the plastic cup having a gash in it. This all feels so corrupt.
Maybe I should get used to the feeling of being alone, by myself, the silence; for that's something I could never disrupt.
I should have realized from the moment the words came from your beautiful mouth that you weren't mine... I felt my heart pump with a thump until it got struck.

One thing I need to get used to is not seeing stars in your eyes, not hearing birds sing when you talk to me.
One thing I need to get used to is not knowing what love truly is since I can't even find it in myself...
One thing I need to get used to is not wanting love, not wanting to be saved, not needing to be saved anymore.
One thing I need to get used to is making sure I don't make someone else responsible for my life.
One thing I've gotten used to is the confined fondness that I held so deeply in my heart for people I cherished.

At this point in time, I should have known no one could love me for me, no one could love my obsessiveness.
It's not possible for someone to love such things, such a personality like mine... is there? I haven't found it.
People tell me, "Once you stop looking, you'll find them" but I don't want to have to be so lost, to finally feel found.
When that happens to a person such as this, they could reach the "point of no return". One feels so distanced from themselves, they don't know where they left the "real" them. I should've known I was doing all this... just to ignore you...