The Knives of My Mind

" Motivation. "

I didn't remember how we came about, but I do remember how quickly we were able to end it.
Something about you just didn't sit right with me and no matter what I do, I just can't connect the right dots.
I talked with you, talked about you, and always came back to the anguish in which you had bestowed upon me.
I listened to you, I did absolutely everything to keep you around but you left so quickly. Left quicker than you came.
You never seemed to stick around long enough for me to feel true happiness. What even was happiness to you?

I got a rush of adrenaline, a rush of euphoria when you were around. Something that makes me eager to do things.
I sit in a slump of emptiness, and within minutes you had me on my feet, doing something that brought me true satisfaction.
It was so gratifying when you were here with me. You were someone that kept a smile on my face.
I could sit with you and converse for hours about anything and everything I wanted to do.
And then you disappeared so fast. Dissipated from air like an ice cube in hot water. Your smoke being left behind.

It's the way you could make me feel like a happy little idiot, then sad within moments of each other.
Something with that kind of power shouldn't be held, something like that was beyond my recollection.
How did I not recognize the power in which my own body and mind held? It was too much for me.
I could've made you stay, held onto you for a little longer, but my will alone was not enough to keep you here.
I loved you... like really loved you. But you also tore me down and that I did not love.

You never accepted me for what I was. You always made me feel happy but that was just the ghost of what you really were.
You were a beautiful lie. Something so blissful yet it somehow still made me feel so empty when you left.
You were not something to be played with and you ought to make that a point. You wanted to make sure I knew that.
I so carelessly threw you around thinking you'd always be there, that you'd never leave, and still, you did.
I apologize for messing around with you, but it doesn't mean I wasn't content with what I did.

You were the one I had to look out for all along. "All you have is yourself at the end of the day", right?
But for me, you were the only one I had at the end of the day. You were the only one that kept me going.
When you had abandoned me so easily, I then had realized it wasn't you I wanted to keep around, it was the euphoria you gave me.
For the struggle wasn't worth it, the torment in which you put me through was not of significant stature.
You played me just like I played you, and somehow broke me worse than I broke you.
The torture stabbed me like a sharp piece of glass. However, it was deserved. I should've known... I didn't deserve you.