The Knives of My Mind

" I can't turn it off "

I used to laugh with my whole chest feeling every breath, laughing until I was crying and couldn't breathe, laughing with my whole heart.
Now it just feels like every word I mutter, every joke I force, stabs and tears me apart.
The gleam that used to be behind my eyes when I talked about things I loved,
Is now replaced with what feels like little needles, impaling my chest and drawing blood.
The way my dimples would show when I was embarrassed or had a genuine smile.
Now anything that people were to say that seemed to affect me, now just feels so insufferably hostile.
The way my hands, arms, and fingers... all seemed to perfectly express what I was feeling,
Now hurt like watching a loved one die in front of me; inconceivably appalling.
The way my heart used to beat with such passion, fueling everything I loved to do,
Is now something that beats with no meaning behind it, just enough to keep me alive. My heart is now a taboo.
My breaths that I desperately took as I happily sung about my dreams,
Now it just seems like they were themes that were taken to extremes until all it sounded like is screams.
The way I had pushed myself so hopelessly towards something I felt was just out of reach,
The way I had yearned to find the strength to disseminate my emotions beneath my speech.
The way my pride and happiness became replaced with an incomprehensible anguish unbeknownst to me.
For I felt nothing in my life was no longer promised, no longer guaranteed.

It's always the careful, caring emotions that get to us. The lightest of moods easily destroyed by a singular word.
Something so heinous, so unbelievably atrocious, something that can be heard and yet be so absurd.
One thing I had failed to realize, is my ability to create something so beautiful, and destroy it in seconds.
For the records I had kept, the things I had covet for, are the very same things that beckons me back to tragedy.
I am not perfect and I have doubts on whether or not this life is worth living, worth experiencing.
Something life has yet to teach me, is the ability to overcome such nefarious emotions, such destroying thoughts.
Life comes for you in your darkest of days, and will continue until you're utterly blemished.

I have always struggled with my appearance, my love for myself, so how could I learn to love such "perfection"?
"No one's perfect, don't expect it!" people have said. But what about the protection that becomes a reflection of our affection?
Sometimes when you're not at ease with yourself, the mirror in which you look, breaks.
And sometimes when you look at the person in the mirror, all your mistakes come flooding in like snakes.
The pain and suffering of such preposterous emotions floods your mind, able to make you feel sick.
Sometimes, the face looking back at you, isn't even yours anymore. And then those emotions vanish, quick! Once you hear the sound of a door, *click!*