Seventeen

Chapter Twenty-Five

I've been still and silent for almost a hour as the nurse looks over me once again. I'm still in her term in shock and right now I don't know what I am.

" Blink for me,'' she instructs and when I do my pupils awaken to the sudden bright light shining in each. Back and forth from left to right and I'm wondering what she's searching for. " Your shame, regret, embarrassment the list goes on sweetheart" my conscious remarks.

" Your mother will be here in another hour. She told me that you might want me to call Dr.Miles is that something you'd like,'' she asks of me and I immediately shake my head. I don't want that, I don't want another session.

" Alright sweetie, I'd recommend you get some rest you've been though a night,'' she puts her hand on my shoulder and I stare down at it. Earlier taking a rest ended up with me kissing Evan and then watching my ex die. There's no such thing as rest.

" Before I go, push this yellow button if you need me back here and second this is for you,'' she extends her hand with a letter. It's crumpled, and the ink on it is addressed to me. " I don't mean to get your hopes up or mentally harm you in anyway,but this was addressed to you in the victim's pocket,'' she continues and I almost laugh. I'm not sane right now how much can you ruin for now.She places it at the foot of the bed and she leaves with a half smile,half frown.

I only stare at the envelope and it even has his handwriting. He always wrote sloppy in a rush and as I look at it it, looks dirty. When he got hit it must of fell or gone through the mess. I take my eyes off the envelope to everywhere else around me. The white panels lining the wall, the cold tiles, the clean bed, and the bathroom that looks so sad with probably the blood still in the sink. The only color out of the whole room. I scoot towards the envelope and I feel my heart pounding. The last words written to me before he left the world, I was the last person he thought about, and the last person who will remain. As I unfold the paper it's stained with wet spots. Was he crying? Why? I'm thinking too much and before I know it I'm whimpering,but I try to contain my further pain. Skimming it I see the marks of wet spots are everywhere especially when the word love is written down. I start to read hitching my breath, and staring blankly at the dying last words of Shawn.

Dear Ciara,

If you're reading this it's because I had no balls to tell you that I loved you. That I'm sorry. That I am so fucking sorry and how I wish I could take the whole incident and wash it away. Start over oh how I wish. I've done some really shitty things and none I've regretted until I physically and emotionally scarred you. During that time I was an adolescent with a shitty homelife and I'm only telling you because you'll understand. You told me yours you opened up and I never did and for that I'm so sorry and so ungrateful. I was angry internally and now at nineteen I finally realized I took it out on the wrong person. One of the most despicable things I ever did was hurt you because I was filled with rage and you telling me no was almost another disappointment. I felt unwanted and of course that is no excuse,but I hope it is some closure into why I did it. When I ran it was for my own shame and I was a coward. I ran to England and spoke with Ty and filled him with stories that were non-existent, our happier times, and lies about you. I was angry I was so fucking angry. Angry because you pushed me away when in fact I pushed you away and with that I used your innocence, you caring heart, all for my selfish desires. Getting that phone call from Ty was my own personal downfall because I never thought you'd encounter him,but that was my fault. Secrets never stay a secret. I wrote this because I'm done lying to myself that you were the problem when it was me. I spent two years with Ms.Tomson in Puerto Rico she discussed to me my mistakes and she told me the greatest advice ever. I'm human and so are you. I'm so sorry for destroying the person, the human you were. I hope while you read this you think about the past and then throw it away because you deserve to live in the now, live for the future. Do not blame yourself for my death because that is the last thing I want, I'm gone because I knew I was better off gone and I should of been gone that day after I had done that to you. I love you and I always will it took me along time to figure that out. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry Ciara I hope you forgive me. If this is opened, then I did something right for the first time in my fucking life. I finally let you go. Please let me go and live your life. I love you, how I still and forever will love you Ciara.