one step forward

the light in my life

"day 7.

i feel worse and worse every day, every minute, every second of my life. nothing pleases me anymore, as if i were on an extended earth, that can no longer be saved by anything. apparently, i will have to come to terms with this life in another country, which is completely different from my home. no emotions, no love, no my loved ones here. there is nobody and nothing. i want to get out of this nightmare, but i can't and probably never will be able to.

valerie."

it has been a week since i came to america, but i still can't understand what had happened with me. i was still in a kind of shock, that paralyzed my entire body from head to toe. all this week, that one message and that one conversation didn't get out of my head.

"why do you say that?"

i don't know how to live on, because the thoughts didn't leave my head since that day.

"because i want to break up"

i don't know how to live on, i don't know what to do with my life anymore. i kill myself mentally every day.

"don't do this to us"

i don't know how to live on, i just don't want to live. i can't control myself.

"i am sorry"

i don't know how to live on, i want to disappear and never come back. i am sorry, lucas, i am sorry for everything, i am sorry for your death. it was all my fault and i blame myself for it every day. i am sorry, pablo, i am sorry, my love, i don't deserve you, you were the light in my life and now i try to live without it in a complete darkness, because i don't want you to suffer with me, to suffer because of me. i don't want you to lose your sparkle, to lose your happiness, to get lost in the darkness with me.

***

i didn't answer any of my friends and family, i just didn't have the strength to. every day i just woke up in tears, got out of bed and cooked food for myself, which lay in the fridge for a long time, in order not to die of hunger, and then went to bed again. this routine was killing me.

but today somehow i left the house to buy myself a medicine for my head, because it hadn't stopped hurting for a very long time. i put on the most nondescript clothes and went outside, when it was already dark. the twilight didn't frighten me, because i didn't really care about anything at that moment.

after i bought a medicine, i decided to take a walk in the park, stopping at a small platform with a beautiful view of the city. i leaned on the railing and took a cigarette out of my pocket. i had never smoked before, but my despair this time reached an unthinkable limit. puffs of white smoke rushed into the air, creating fluffy poisonous clouds, and my mind gradually relaxed. bliss and adrenaline filled me step by step and my thoughts became confused. this feeling helped me to forget, even for the slightest moment, but it helped. the only thing, that could help me during this terrible week of my life.

"i am sorry, could you borrow me a lighter, please?" i turned my head and saw a guy, who was holding a cigarette in his hands. brown curls fell over his face, covering either a bruise or a cut on a forehead.

i didn't answer and just gave him my lighter. he took it in his hands, grinning in my face. the flame light up and ignited his cigarette.