Fall Apart- R.J.L

Dear Remus

Remus' POV

"Moony cmon, we should go check on her."
"You saw her this morning, she's fine. I'll go later I just....I need some time."
"Ugh fine but I don't understand why we can't go!"
"Because...because that's just- that's how it should be."
"She should be alone?"
"She's not even awake James!"
"Well she might be now."
"She won't be, she needs to rest alright. We'll see her tonight after dinner."
"Fine fine."

In truth, I'm terrified to see her. Terrified of how she'll look, what she'll say, what I'll say...
It's the worst feeling in the world, seeing her corpse-like body small and pale in a hospital bed. It feels like I've failed her, and this time I really did fail her. So I'll avoid the moment for as long as physically possible. They day passes quickly and we spend it doing Merlin knows what, reading, chess, sitting in silence. Our dorm is sombre and cold, despite James' futile attempts at cheering us up. Sirius is still clearly shaken by the whole experience, I still feel numb and Peter just seems to be on edge about saying the wrong thing.

At dinner I eat ridiculously slowly and James glares daggers into the side of my head.
"REMUS!" Lily comes flying down the hall towards us, her face red and chest heaving from physical exertion.
"Lil's? What's wrong?" James jumps to his feet immediately, face wracked with concern.
"Theo, her things are gone, they're all gone. I don't know what's happened but we'd better go quick."
"Alright that's it come on." James drags me by the elbow as we hurry towards the hospital wing.

We barge through the doors and find the wars completely empty.
No no no no please don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead.
"TEDDY? MADAME POMFREY?? HELLO?"
"She's not hear Mr Lupin." McGonagall's voice sounds from behind us.
"Where is she? Professor where is she?!"
"Please, sit down Mr Lupin."
"No I won't sit down where's Teddy?!"
"Remus...Theodora has been transferred to St.Mungo's hospital. She will be staying their for the foreseeable future to undergo treatment.
"What? No! I didn't- I didn't get to. I didn't say goodbye! She didn't say goodbye! I can't- NO!"

I can't process everything being thrown at me. She's gone? Just like that? No goodbye? Nothing?

"She left these, she asked me to ensure they were delivered safely." She shows me a stack of letters and begins rifling through them before handing one out to each of us.
"Can I visit her?" I ask weakly.
"Perhaps in some time. For the meantime we think it best Theodora is allowed some distance to heal."
I nod solemnly and McGonagall leaves.

We stand in silence for some time until Sirius rips open his letter and begins reading. We all follow suit and I have to sit on a nearby bed to take in her words. Just the sight of her swirling handwriting makes me sick to the stomach with worry a sort of loss that's indescribable.

Dear Remus,
My darling Remus. Merlin how do I write this. My how we made a mess. I don't think I will ever be able to express the depth of how terribly sorry I am. I feel horrible. You have done nothing but love me and care for me, you noticed me and took me in when no one else would, you saw the beauty in me when I couldn't even see it in myself. I have never loved someone the way I loved you, my darling Remus.

I fear there's some darkness within me, some hole in my heart that can't be filled no matter how much I or anyone else tries. I know you tried so hard to make me feel loved, to show me the good in the world, but I'm terrified I'll never be able to erase the darkness of my past. I fear it is simply my fate to die trying to escape myself. I want you to know that my futile attempts at escaping my pain was never because of you, never, ever, because of you. I hold no hate, no contempt, no bad word against you. You, Remus, have been the light of my life. Merlin, I wish I could see you now, I wish you'd walk through those doors right now and hold me.

I know I've hurt you, I am so incredibly sorry. I don't think I can ever make it up to you, I don't know if I'll have the chance, but if this letter is any consolation I hope it soothes your pain. To hear the way you felt about me, to hear the extent of your hatred, it opened my eyes to the way I've treated you. I never meant to hurt you my love. You have been through so much, you hold so much pain and anger inside you but you never let it show. Despite the horrors or what you go through month after month you miraculously manage to maintain you same old kind, warm, loving heart. It is a miracle. The fact that I caused you such turmoil is unforgivable, I will never forgive myself for what I done to you.

Please know, Remus, my heart has always been -and remains- yours. If these are the last words I ever say to you that is what I want you to know, that is how I want you to remember me, as the girl who loved you  irrevocably and unconditionally.

My darling, my love, I hate to say goodbye but it is a necessary evil. I hope someday I'll see you, I'll hold you in my arms once more and whisper a lifetime of I loveyous. Until then, Little bug, Goodbye.

Yours, always,
Teddy (Lupin)

Enclose in the envelope was something else, something small and rounded. The ring. My mother's ring. Teddy's ring. Fuck fuck fuck what have I done? She's gone, she's gone and she thinks I hate her. She'll spend weeks, months thinking I hate her. I should write to her, I'll write to her and make everything better. Can she receive letters?

I stand and hurry out of the hospital wing, trying to hold in my tears until I can be alone. I can see the blotches on her letter from her own tears and as soon as I'm alone they mix with my own. Teddy and I together again, even if it's just a tiny part of ourselves.

"Remus? You in here?" It's James. He calls out and knocks on the only locked stall in the lavatory I ran into to escape the watchful eyes of passing students.
"Yeah. I'm in 'ere."
"You alright?"
"Fine."
"Remus?"
"Yeah?"
"Open the door please?"

I contemplate for a moment before clicking the lock to the stall open to reveal a tearful James.
"I'm not alright." He croaked and I stand, pulling him into a hug.
"I miss her already." He says quietly.
"Yeah."
"It's like losing a sister, it feels like she's already gone."
"Yeah."
"Remus?"
"Yeah?"
"Stop saying yeah."
"Okay."
"Oi cmon, it's me. You know it's alright not to be alright. If this were Lily I'd be throwing myself off the astronomy tower by now. Wait sorry please don't do that."
"I know, I know...to be honest I'm really not okay. The last thing we did was fight James, I went mental on her I screamed and cried and pushed her away and then, this."

I hold out the letter and the ring in each of my hands and James takes it in. His eyes stall on the ring and his face falls completely.
"I'm so sorry Remus. I really thought you two were...y'know-"
"Yeah, me too."
"She'll come back."
"I'm not so sure."

"JAMES?" Sirius bursts through the doors panting heavily and huffing out an attempt at a sentence.
"Teddy- gone- missing- captured- deatheaters!"
"What?"
"Sirius what's happened? What happened to Teddy?!"

He takes a deep breath before letting it all out quickly.
"Teddy was taken from st,mungos and she's missing and they think it might be deatheaters and dumbledore's asked us to meet him in his office with our 'best duellers from our club'."
"The society?"
"TEDDYS WHAT?"
"Missing and yes the society, cmon we have to go, NOW!"

Sirius sprints back out of the bathroom, James and I got on his heels.