Rosewood Institute

Dying on my Knees

Birch's POV

*dream*

I opened my eyes to the bright morning light, I was sitting under the oak tree Iris and I used to frequent.

I look to my left and I see her; she is just as beautiful as I remember her to be, bright blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. She smiles at me, and I burst into tears.

It's been so long since I've seen her face, I almost forgot about the dimple in her right cheek or the scar on her left eyebrow. But to me she was beautiful, and so much stronger than me.

As I look down at my body, I realize I'm in my 6 year old body and not my normal 16 year old self.

She takes my small hands in hers and gives them a reassuring squeeze.

I looked up at her with tears in my eyes and ask, "Does it get any better?"

She looks at me with her own tears in her eyes and says, "Not for a long time. And I'm sorry for that, Birch. I should've saved us when I had the chance."

She closed her eyes and let the tears stream down her face, I wipe them away and ask, "Does anyone end up saving us?"

She looks at me with so much pity and pain and answers, "Only you, Birch."

I feel so much pain in my heart from hearing that, I always wanted for us to run away together, away from father.

I sniffle and ask, "Who saves me?"

I felt so sad and broken, like I could never be fixed. All I've ever wanted was to be safe and happy, I don't know if I'll ever feel that way.

She wipes the tears from my cheeks and gives me a sad smile and says, "Your soulmates."

*** End of Dream***

I wake up crying and shaking in my bed, it took me a few moments to recognize where I was since it's been so long since I've been here.

I sniffled as I feel the never ending tears go down my face. But right now, I'm not sad, I'm so angry.

At my father for treating me like trash, at my sister for dying, at my mother for abandoning me, and above all else at myself for being who I am.

If I wasn't gay then my father could've loved me better, maybe things could've been better if I wasn't so weak and dependent on others.

In this moment, I hate my classification, I hate who I am. I can't even look in the mirror right now, all I can see is my imperfections.

I felt so worthless in that moment, I felt like all of those things father would scream at me were true.

Worthless Mistake

Rings in my ears like a never ending song, he would scream those two words at me countless times; before they didn't feel true, but now they do.

I don't cry the way I used to, but that doesn't mean I'm not sad or not hurt by what happened to me. I used to cry silent tears, but now I'm almost screaming with how loud my cries are.

I know I'll wake the others with my screams, but I don't care, I'm past caring about anything now.

I succumb to sleep just after I see some come into my room and hug me. The arms felt grounding for me, like my safe space.

In my mind, I was back at fathers house being tormented my his screams and violence.

I shook and slept fitfully until I felt the all too familiar feeling of a needle pricking my skin, then I was calmed into a dreamless sleep.