Shattered 1 of 4

Chapter 14 Adam Ruzek

I watch her as she sleeps, not much has made sense over the last few weeks, but this? This feels right, Anthony starts to stir I pull my sweats on and grab him before he wakes Kim up.

I know she hasn't had a full nights sleep since he's come home from the hospital, I take him into the living room and sit down with him. For the first time ever I study him, his complexion a lot like Wendy's but that's about it, my dad was right he looks a lot like me. He has long slender fingers, I smile as his tiny hand grabs on to my pinky, his grip his strong. I don't know anything about babies but he seems like he's watching me like a hawk, his eyes are a chocolate brown, they're beautiful.

"Hey, Anthony" his name rolls off my tongue perfectly and it fits him, "I screwed up big time, I messed up with your mom and you, I let you down" I'm trying not to cry "but that's all gonna change, I'm sorry about your mom. She loved you and wanted you so much, we may not have been great together but we both love you" I promise to make sure my son will know his mother loved him "but, son, we're both really lucky to have Kim in our lives, and don't worry I won't let her go"

He starts to fuss, I'm pretty sure he is looking for food. I put him in the swing and turn it on, he lets me know he's not happy his face turning bright red as he screams.

"Anthony, calm down buddy, I'm trying to figure it out" I search the pantry for his formula finding the can, I grab a bottle off the counter and try figure it out. His screams getting louder, "you're gonna wake Kim up, kid"

Suddenly, the screams stop, I'm not going to lie for a split second I'm terrified as to what happened, as I turn I lay eyes on the most beautiful sight ever, "I'm sorry he woke you" I hold the bottle up "I'm trying to figure this out, but I don't even know how much he eats" I'm embarrassed at my lack of knowledge about my own son.

She smiles, Anthony is nestled in the crook of her arm, she takes the bottle from me "can you get his water from the pantry?" she asks, I didn't know he had his own water I grab it "pour four ounces in the bottle" she tells me, she slides the container of powdered formula toward me "now, two scoops of that" I do as she tells me, "now shake it up"

"That's it?" I ask it seems pretty simple now, "Kim, we'd be lost without you" I tell her, I don't think I could ever thank her for all she has done.

"Adam you would have figured it out, don't be so hard on yourself, do you want to feed him?" She sits on the couch, I sit beside her and pull her towards me, so she's leaning against my chest.

"I don't know, I'm not too sure he likes me" he seems very unsettled in my arms, when he's with Kim he's content.

"He knows you're scared" she tells me, "the more you hold him and the more time you spend with him, the more comfortable you'll both be" I kiss the top of her head as she starts to feed him. He stares at her, as she talks to him, it's amazing the bond they have he's just a month old but it's obvious he loves her.

"You're amazing with him, you know that right?"

She looks up at me "it's easy, he's such a good baby" sadness is in her voice.

"Hey, what is it?"

She sighs, "I just feel horrible for Wendy, it's not fair that she is missing out on this, its just awful" she takes the bottle out and lifts Anthony up to her shoulder.

"I know, I will make sure he knows she loved him" I watch as she pats his back, "I have to ask what are you doing to him?"

I swear she is going to die laughing, "are you serious? I know you don't have much experience with babies but you really don't know?"

"If I knew I wouldn't ask"

"He needs to be burped Adam" she tells me and no sooner do the words leave her mouth he burps, and proceeds to throw up on my chest.

"Oh, that's just gross", I know she is trying her best not to laugh at me "it's okay, go on have a good laugh"

"I'm sorry, but the look on your face was priceless" she puts him in his seat and grabs a wet towel and cleans off my chest I grab her wrist as goes to put the towel in the laundry room pulling her close, I kiss her, I find it impossible to keep my hands off her.

Anthony's cries finally separating us, as she picks him up and soothes him I grab a shirt from the suitcase I've been living out of the last month and join them on the couch.

I take him from her, "let's not share the contents of your stomach this time son" I laugh as he gives me a funny look.

Kim puts her arm around my neck as she slides in beside me, "can I ask you a question?" I sense some trepidation on her part.

My eyes trained on Anthony, "anything"

"Why did you leave this morning and what changed?"

I hadn't told her about my brother, as a matter of fact no one knew about my brother it just wasn't something I ever felt like sharing. "I had been fighting the urge to kiss you for a long time, and this morning I couldn't fight it anymore" I turn to face her, "but I thought I was a piece of shit for acting on those feelings" she runs her hand over the back of my head her fingers entwined in my hair "I needed to clear my head, everything was just so messed up I needed clarity"

"Where did you go?"

I shifted Anthony in my arms, "I had a brother" I let the words hang in the air for a minute or two, I can see her confusion but she waits for me to finish "when I was 8, he was 17" I can still hear my mother scream as the officer told my parents he had been killed "I'm not sure on the specifics but he was at a friend's house and they had all been drinking and somehow my brother was shot and killed"

"Oh, my god Adam, that's awful"

I nod, "I ended up at the cemetery, I hadn't been to it in a long time. I just sat down next to his plot, after awhile I just felt calm. It's odd, I know but it helped"

"It's not odd, Adam, it makes sense. I'm guessing your brother's name was Anthony, correct?"

"Yea, it was"

"It's a wonderful name, Adam, your brother would have been proud"