Loki Misses the Asgardian Prison System

Chapter 189

It is so stupidly early in the morning by the time Tony makes it to Malibu, and the fact that Pepper is awake is even more stupid because only stupid people like himself should be up at this stupid hour.

Pepper's half-naked in the bedroom, a blouse in her hand that she's doubtlessly about to put on, but she stops when she sees her partner.

"Tony?"

Tony just walks right by her, flopping face-first in bed and letting out a dramatic groan.

Fuck.

Everything.

The bed dips, and then Pepper's hand is on his back, gently rubbing circles over his t-shirt. It feels nice. It would feel nicer if he wasn't so fucking miserable.

"I tried calling you last night," she says quietly.

"I turned my phone off," Tony mumbles into his pillow. He should turn it back on. He did promise the others that he would at least check his texts in case they need him. But he just doesn't want to deal with anybody right now.

"Oh." Pepper's quiet for a few moments. "Is everything okay?"

"No."

"That was probably a stupid question, wasn't it?"

Tony huffs a halfhearted laugh. She's not wrong.

"Talk to me," Pepper says. "What's going on? Is it the Accords?"

"Mm." Tony turns his head so he can speak without muffling his voice with his pillow – and he's blessed with the sight of Pepper's bare leg right next to his face. If he was any less miserable, this would be amazing. "Why is life so goddamn hard?"

Pepper gently brushes his hair away from his face and presses a kiss to the side of his head. "I don't know," she murmurs.

"I thought I was doing the right thing," he says. "For once in my goddamn life, I tried to be responsible, and this is where it gets me."

"What happened?" she asks. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not at all," Tony grumbles, but he elaborates anyway. "We were wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"They tried to have us kill an innocent man," Tony says, "and Rogers kept telling us and telling us that he was innocent and I thought he was crazy, but..." He wasn't crazy and Bucky was innocent, and if Tony hadn't been so blinded by the Accords, maybe he would have actually listened to the guy without needing some godly interference.

Pepper lets out a long breath and resumes her gentle circles on his back. She doesn't have any words of wisdom for him – and of course she doesn't. How could she possibly pretend this was okay?

"I was so sure I was doing the right thing," Tony mumbles. "How could 117 governments be wrong, you know?"

"You didn't have a choice, Tony," Pepper says softly. "They weren't going to let you keep doing what you were doing. That's not your fault."

"Rogers made it work," Tony grumbles. "And Banner. And Wilson. And Pietro." He groans and shoves his face back in his pillow. He's so stupid. That's what it comes down to. He's just stupid.

Pepper lies down beside him and puts an arm around him. "You're doing the best you can," she says gently, "and that's all you can do."

"Well, the best I can do sucks," Tony mumbles. "I feel like everything I do is wrong, and this was supposed to fix that. I can't be wrong if I'm not calling the shots, right?" He sighs to himself. "But I'm still wrong. All the Accords did was give me an excuse to pass the blame." And he can't pass the blame, which is the worst part. He wishes he could. He'd feel a whole lot better if he did. But he can't. It's still his fault. It's all his own goddamn fault.

Pepper's quiet after that. Of course she is. What is there to say to that? He's a fucking idiot. She's dating a fucking idiot.

Tony turns his head to look at her, faces only inches apart. She gives him a sad smile. He doesn't have the heart to force a smile in return.

"I think Clint was right when he decided to retire," he tells her. "I think it's time to hang up the suit." He's been thinking about it since the flight home. He's been doing this for, what, eight years? He's helped some people. He's hurt some people. He's made a lot of mistakes he'll never forgive himself for. And now he's done.

He expects Pepper to disagree. He expects her to tell him that he can't; that the Avengers need him. But instead, all she says is a noncommittal, "Yeah?" It's not agreement, necessarily, but she's not disagreeing, either.

"I think the others are going to keep going," Tony tells her. "Loki's going to threaten the entire UN into letting them do whatever they want."

Pepper rolls her eyes, a slight smile on her face. It probably sounds funny from her perspective. If she'd seen the guy yesterday, she'd change her tune, he's sure.

"I just can't do it anymore," he says. "The others can handle it without me; I just..." He sighs. "I don't want to hurt anybody anymore. I want to be here, with you. I want to get married and have kids and not have to worry about the next apocalypse right around the corner."

Pepper smirks, and he's so out-of-it that he can't even figure out why until she says, "You want to get married?"

He doesn't even have it in him to be embarrassed that he just brought up their future so offhandedly. Instead, he just asks, "Do you?"

"Gee, I don't know," she jokes. "I've only spent the last twenty-something years of my life with you."

Tony smiles – a real, genuine smile; something he didn't even know he was capable of right now. "You've still got thirty-something to go. Are you sure you want to spend them with me?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

Tony presses their foreheads together, gazing into her eyes with all the love in the world. He doesn't know what he did to deserve her, but he's so, so glad he has her in his life. He doesn't know what he'd do without her.

"This wasn't my proposal, by the way," Tony tells her. "I'm going to propose the right way – with a ring and a sappy speech and embarrass you in front of everyone you know."

Pepper just smiles. "I look forward to it."

He presses a brief kiss to her lips. "You should take the day off work."

Pepper frowns. "Tony, I can't–"

"Yes, you can," he says. "You're the CEO. You can do whatever you want."

"No, you could do whatever you wanted as CEO because I was always there to clean up the mess," Pepper corrects him. It actually makes a lot of sense, now that he thinks about it.

"Well, still," Tony says. "I think you should take the day off."

Pepper just looks at him for a few moments, and he plasters on a cheesy smile until finally, she breaks.

"Let me go send a few emails real quick, and I'll be right back."

Tony grins. "Perfect."