•Unwritten•

Thirty Eight

PART 3-

I stood staring at the dug up ground before me, the soil that was now covering the coffin that Dean's body was lying in. Like it had when I'd watched Sam die a year before, my entire body just felt numb. I couldn't even cry. Dean had been dead for just over a day and I couldn't breathe. My entire life, I'd never felt love, not in that kind of way. Besides my grandma, I'd never had anyone in my corner, nobody to fight my battles or have my back. And I'd never imagined the type of love I could feel towards another person in the way I felt it with Dean. And now he was gone.

I turned around, seeing Sam and Bobby walking over slowly. I had barely spoken to either of them, for the first few hours I had just cried over his body, begging and begging for it to just be a nightmare.

Then we had to move him.

Sam didn't want to give him a hunters funeral, I knew deep down that was because he was expecting him to come back and he didn't want to burn his body.

Bobby came from behind me, patting me on the shoulder as he did. I looked over to him, his face as dumbstruck as mine and then we turned around walking back to his truck.

"Goodbye Dean." I whispered to myself.
...

2 weeks later-

I shot up, gasping from the nightmare that I'd had. Every single night it was the same, I'd picture Lilith holding me against the wall, opening the doors and letting the hell hound in. But instead of staying stuck, I would push out of it, I'd kill Lilith and save Dean. We'd be happy, glad that it was all over. Ecstatic that we still had the rest of our lives together. It was a beautiful dream, until I woke up and remembered the reality. Then it became a nightmare.

It was still dark outside but I knew I wasn't going to be falling back to sleep so I got up and wrapped my gown around me before heading downstairs to the kitchen.

Sam was leant against the counter, with a bottle of beer in his hands. He looked up to me, his eyes red and drooping. We'd been staying with Bobby since that night and I had watched as he slowly started drinking more and more. I'd dealt with a lot of grief in my life but this was harder, because both of us were filled with guilt because we knew deep down that we could've prevented it.

I hadn't touched a drop of demon blood in weeks, and I hadn't tried to use any of my abilities. Every time I thought about it, I remembered Dean saying that it wasn't human. I wanted it though, I was fighting the urge to go out and find a demon, suck it dry and then find Lilith myself. But I couldn't, I had to be there for Sam and I knew he needed me too.

"You need to get some sleep. You've had enough." I grabbed the bottle from his hands and he barely reacted, he was really drunk. I'd come to learn that Sam had two different kinds of drunk, that I'd seen so far. He had his happy drunk which made me sad, he'd talk about Dean and their best times together. But he also had his angry drunk, when he'd break things and shout and cry, that made me scared.

"It's never enough." He slurred, snatching the bottle back from me and chugging on it. I sighed and stepped to the side, turning on the coffee machine and preparing a cup.

"How are you so... fine?" He shifted his body to face me and I frowned at him.

"I'm not fine."

He scoffed and brought the bottle to his lips again, finishing it off and then slamming it on the counter as I filled up my cup with coffee. He was angry drunk.

"You haven't even cried, not since that night."

I closed my eyes. I had cried, I cried every night. I'd tried to contact him with a spirit board, I'd prayed and prayed for a sign. I was awoken every single night with the same nightmares and the same guilt each and every time.